Say What?
by Craftygirl
Summary: Ever wondered how Orihime would react if Ichiruki became canon? What about Renji? Heck, what would Byakuya think? Every character has something to say when two people get together, but not every reaction is what you’d expect. New pairing per chapter.
1. Ichiruki

**Summary:** Ever wondered how Orihime would react if Ichiruki became canon? What about Renji? Heck, what would Byakuya think?! Every character has something to say when two people get together, but not every reaction is what you'd expect. Contains multiple pairings.

**Author's Note:** Wow. Second Bleach fanfic already? I don't really know why I started writing this. I was just bored yesterday and after reading through a "20 questions" fanfic, I thought, "Hey, why not make something funny and fast-paced?" After finishing MOYL last month, I decided that I'd take a break from long, multi-chapter fanfics and just write something light and fun. So then this crazy idea popped into my head and here it is! I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you readers will enjoy it as much!

* * *

Chapter One: Ichiruki

_MiTR, the whole SS arc and rescue scenes, the "Man in my Heart speech" and turnaround scenes…their own movie – how more obvious of a pairing can you get?_

_--_

_Standing at the doorway of the Kurosaki household… _

Isshin: OH, MY SON! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU'VE FINALLY GROWN UP AND BECOME A MAN!

_[Runs up to hug Ichigo, but is met with a kick in the face instead and is sent sprawling across the floor]_

Ichigo: Shut up, old man!

Isshin: (hoarsely) I-I see your…reflexes have gotten better!

_[Rukia offers to help him up]_

Rukia: (teasing) Oh, don't be so hard on him. Is that any way to treat your own father, Ichigo?

Ichigo: (under breath) Father my ass.

Isshin: Oh, Rukia! You really are my third daughter! _[Places hands on her shoulders affectionately with an over-the-top smile]_ I'm so glad my son has finally decided to marry you—

Rukia: (wide-eyed) What?

Ichigo: (5x louder) SAY WHAT?! I never said that! Stop making things up!

_[Blushes furiously and whacks Isshin upside the head]_

Isshin: Oh, don't be ashamed, son! It's all part of growing up! So when are you and Rukia _[smiles mischievously]_ _you know_…gonna be needing a double bed?

Ichigo: _[turns fluorescent pink before punching Isshin through the walls] _SHUT UP, YOU OVERGROWN PERVERT!!

Isshin: (from outside, buried beneath the bushes) I guess I better order one before midnight then!

_[Ichigo fumes, while Rukia just looks up at him in confusion]_

Rukia: (with a raised eyebrow) Why would you need a double bed? Your bed too small for you or something?

--

_Meanwhile, in the Squad 6 barracks…_

Byakuya: WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT???!!!

_[Renji, who is kneeling before him, removes his earplugs]_

Renji: (impressed) Wow, Captain. I don't think I've ever seen you so vocal before!

Byakuya: _[glares at him]_ Shut up, you imbecile! Do you even know what this means?!

Renji: _[thinks for a while]_ …That you're going to become a brother-in-law for the second time in your life?

Byakuya: NO! It means that… (trails off)

Renji: It means what? Do you hate him that much, or is it because your sister's finally found someone (aside) _who isn't me?_

_Flashback to the moment Rukia told Renji The News:_

_Rukia: (hesitantly) …Ichigo and I are together now…_

_Renji: Really? That's great! I'm so happy for you! _

_Then, when she leaves, he goes home and unveils his secret stash of "Rukia and I are getting back together" announcements he was about to hand out to everyone in the Soul Society_

_Renji: [sighs] Guess I'm gonna have to burn all these now…_

End Flashback

Renji: (muttering resentfully) Damn you, Ichigo! I found her first!

_*Sob, sob* _

_[Renji looks up to find Byakuya buried in paperwork, sobbing on his desk]_

Renji: (awkwardly) Captain Kuchiki? (thinking) _Who knew this would be so heard on him?_ Are you alright, Captain?

Byakuya: (sobbing) No, I'm not! This means that…that I'll have to hear him call me by my first name…_for the rest of my life!_

--

_In Karakura Town, in the middle of the sidewalk…_

Chad: _[turns to Uryu, who is standing next to him] _Hey, bub. I guess it's just you and me now. Guess you're my new best friend.

Uryu: (flabbergasted) Say what?!

--

_At Orihime's apartment: t__housands of photos are strewn across the room. Most of Ichigo. Some of when they were together…in the same frame, that is_

_[Tatsuki watches Orihime from behind, who is meticulously arranging the photos and muttering "Ichihime" like one of those creepy little kids in horror films]_

Tatsuki: Um…are you okay, Orihime?

Orihime: _Ichihime…Ichihime…Ichihime…_

Tatsuki: _[sighs]_ Look, Orihime. I know it's hard to accept. The guy you've loved for practically your whole life is in love with someone else. But…you're gonna have to get over it, okay? I've known Ichigo longer than you have and, well, he needs someone who can be honest and upfront with him – someone who can knock some sense into him. Someone like Rukia.

Orihime: "…"

Tatsuki: (concerned) Orihime?

Orhime: Ichihime

Tatsuki: (starting to panic) Alright! That's enough! I'm calling the mental institute – no, on second thought, I'm calling the COPS!

_[Tatsuki runs out of the room and dials 911, but is left with nothing but a dial tone]_

Tatsuki: That's funny. _[Tries again, but nothing happens]_

_[Orihime enters and reveals a severed phone cord]_

Orihime: _Ichihime…_

_And that was the last anyone's ever heard from Tatsuki…_

--

_In Ichigo's bedroom…_

Kon: _[aside]_ _[smiles mischievously and rubs palms together]_ At least now nee-san won't suspect it's me when I'm in Ichigo's body! _[Turns to Ichigo] _Hey, don't you have some Hollows you have to take care of?

Ichigo: Huh?

--

_Soul Society: at a captains' and lieutenants' meeting…_

_[Ikkaku and Yumichika burst into the room, carrying a large brown bag with "Place $$ Here" written in blood-red letters] _

Yamamato: What is the meaning of this?

Ikkaku: _[grinning like a homicidal killer]_ We're here to collect bets! A long time ago, Yumichika and I made a bet that Ichigo and Rukia were gonna get together and just this morning – well, what do you know? Now pay up, people!

_[Byakuya breaks out into sobs. Renji snorts in irritation, while Izuru and Momo exchange sympathetic glances]_

Momo: Lighten up, Renji. It's alright.

Izuru: Yeah, we were rooting for you, man.

Renji: Shut up!

_[The room falls silent] _

Yumichika: What is it with you people? Silence is not very beautiful!

Ikkaku: Are you saying you all knew this would happen?

Ukitake: _[clears his throat]_ Well, yes. Rukia is a member of my division, after all. I know _everything_ about her.

Renji: (muttering) Okay, I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Kyoraku: I think it's fair to say we all saw it coming. _[Shrugs]_ I mean, the ryoka stormed the Soul Society for a reason.

Hitsugaya: (in annoyance) I think the better question is who _didn't_ see it coming?

Matsumoto: Well, I think it's kinda cute that they got together!

Hitsugaya: (under breath) You would.

Yamamato: I mean, that ryoka even stopped my precious Soukyoku! And that has never, _ever_ happened in the history of the Soul Society! _[Folds arms in irritation]_ I'm still mad about that, actually. _[Glares at Ukitake and Kyoraku, who smile feebly]_

Kyoraku: (nervously) Nice day, Yama-jii?

Ukitake: (with equal nervousness) Yeah, isn't the weather just splendid?

Yamamato: (snaps) Be silent!

Kenpachi: _[sighs] _Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to find a new sparring partner. Now if only I hadn't killed that Nnorita guy…

* * *

**A/N:** And there you have it – my take on how everyone would react if Ichigo and Rukia got together! I think Isshin's reaction was the most realistic; I could actually really see that happening Lol. Renji would be resentful (as can be expected), Byakuya would mourn over his new in-law calling him by the first name all the time (lol), Orihime would kill anyone who doesn't support Ichihime (yes, in case you didn't know, Tatsuki died), Kon would take the new opportunity to get away with being perverted (oh gosh), and yeah, Kenny would be bored because Ichigo would spend more time with Rukia.

Anyway, please review! I would love to hear what you guys thought of this chapter! This was so much fun to write. Next up will be Ichihime, because I already have a few ideas in my head. Feel free to suggest what pairing you want to see next. FYI, I do take "crack" pairings, as long as they're _somewhat_ realistic.


	2. Ichihime

**A/N: **Thanks to LoveAngel604, LuvleeCookieChan, and Black Sun Upon An Icy Sky for reviewing! The only way I know if I'm writing readable material is if I hear from you guys, so please, do send in your feedback! And as promised, here's the second chapter. Orihime need some loving, anyway.

**Warning: **This chapter contains spoilers up to ch354 of the manga.

**Disclaimer:** (I forgot to put this in for the last chapter!) Okay, well, as you all know, I don't own Bleach in any way, at all. Period. All credit goes to the manga genius, Kubo Tite!

* * *

Chapter Two: Ichihime

_Five lifetimes, one love…well, she's bound to get him eventually, right? _

--

_In Ichigo's bedroom, where a certain orange-haired Shinigami is facing the beating of a lifetime under the fiery wrath of his petite "roommate" _

Ichigo: _[while dodging furniture]_ Okay, okay! Enough already, Rukia! I said I was sorry! Geez!

Rukia: Oh, so you're sorry, huh? Is that it?! Well, "sorry" doesn't cut it! _[Chucks a lamp at him, which smashes into a wall and breaks]_ "Sorry" doesn't make up for all for all the times I had to put up with you _[there goes the office chair]_, feel guilty about giving you my powers _[the stereo system], _snap you out of self-pity parties _[the TV set]_, and save your sorry ass _[and the desk]!_

Ichigo: (defensively) Hey, I never asked you to do any of that in the first place! You didn't have to do all that – OW! _[Gets nailed in the gut by a pillow]_

Rukia: Why you…ungrateful _jerk_! Doesn't 300+ chapters of us mean anything to you?! So what was the whole point of rescuing me from the Soul Society then?

Ichigo: (dumbly) …A debt?

Rukia: (impatiently) What about the time when you hesitated to say if we were nakama?

Ichigo: (suddenly frantic) I was…confused!

Rukia: About what? Your feelings? Our relationship?!

Ichigo: _Your question!_

Rukia: _[groans and throws hands up in frustration]_ Okay! Then how 'bout that look I heard Renji say you gave me back in Trifle – the "Look that Launched a Shipping War?"

Ichigo: _[thinks for a moment]_ You know, those dust particles were really taking up my breathing space! It was crazy intense – I couldn't stop staring – OW! _[Gets whammed in the head by another pillow]_ Stop that!

Rukia: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I don't get it! Why don't you love me, anyway? Is it because I'm a Shinigami and you're a human?

Ichigo: No.

Rukia: Is it because I have black hair and you and Inoue both have orange hair?

Ichigo: No!

Rukia: _[leans in dangerously close]_ Then what the hell is it?!

Ichigo: You really wanna know? IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING OLD!! _[Rukia jumps back] _150 YEARS? YEAH, RENJI TOLD ME! YOU COULD BE AS OLD AS MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER – AND SHE'S NOT EVEN AMONG THE LIVING ANYMORE!

_[A vein pops on Rukia's forehead as a sinister smile appears on her face]_

Rukia: I'm old, am I?I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S OLD!

Ichigo: Wait, Rukia! No, I take it back – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

_[One second later and Ichigo is seen twitching, buried underneath his bed, bookcase, and every remaining piece of furniture in the room]_

Ichigo: (hoarsely) And…that's another reason why I never asked you out…you crazy, abusive psychopath!

Rukia: (offended) I'm not abusive! I just like…hitting people, that's all. Speaking of hitting people, I wonder where Renji is….

--

_At school, observing a very happy Orihime talking to Chad and Uryu. Ichigo and Rukia are no where to be seen…_

Tatsuki: _[sighs in content] _I'm so happy for Orihime. After all this time, she finally got what she wanted. I don't think I've ever seen her smile so much. _[Turns to Chizuiro, who is seen with a mountain wad of used tissues]_ Isn't it great?

Chizuiro: No! _[Sniffs]_ I'm mean, my precious Orihime-chan is happy and all, but now she's taken…and it's not by me! _[Bursts out sobbing]_ WWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!

Tatsuki: (muttering) Good riddance.

_[Enter Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Renji, Ikkaku, and Yumichika, who discuss their surprise at the new "turn of events"]_

Ikkaku: Well, that was…unexpected. Whoever thought that orange-haired idiot would pull a fast one on us? I mean, I thought for sure that he had a thing for Rukia. Besides, he never really paid any attention to that human girl until she was beaten by the esapda and taken to Hueco Mundo, I heard!

Matsumoto: I know. I mean, we all saw how he stared at Rukia when she returned from the Soul Society, but _[sighs] _guess we were wrong.

Renji: Oh, c'mon! You guys all act like his being with Orihime is a bad thing… _[grins] _while I honestly couldn't be any happier!

Hitsugaya: (under breath) Well, that's because we all know how you would never have gotten to Kuchiki if Kurosaki was still in the way…

Renji: Hey, I heard that!

Yumichika: _Please_, arguing is not very beautiful! It'll make you break out—

Renji: Oh, screw beauty! Who cares anyway?!

_[Chizuiro's eyes suddenly light up upon seeing Matsumoto. Her tears vanish and she runs up to said female, linking arms with her]_

Chizuiro: (gushes) You must be Orihime-chan's cousin! Now would you happen to be single by any chance? _[Bats her eyelashes flirtatiously]_

Matsumoto:_ [eyeing her suspiciously as she pries her arm free] _Um, no… _[turns to Hitsugaya and smiles]_ this here's my boyfriend!

Hitsugaya: (horrified) What?! _[Begins to protest, but is smothered by Matsumoto] _Mmmf! Mmmf!

Matsumoto: See? He loves it when I do this!

Chizuiro: _[stares in envy] _Yeah, I'm sure he does… _[Aside] Time for Plan B._ _[To Matsumoto]_ So tell me, does Orihime-chan have any more relatives like you?

--

_At Urahara's shop, in Renji's room…_

_Candles light the dim room in a romantic ambiance. A small table sits in the center of the room with a vase filled with red roses next to an oversized futon. A voice can be heard in the distance – Rukia's voice. _

_Rukia: Is Renji here? I need to speak to him._

_Urahara: You mean that red-headed moocher? Yeah, go right ahead. He's in the backroom._

_Rukia: Thanks._

Renji: _[grins as he takes a rose from the vase and places it across his lips in a seductive manner] _Couldn't have timed it any better…

_Crash!_

_[Rukia kicks down the shoji screens separating the main room from the backroom] _

Urahara: (from the outside) Hey, watch it in there! My doors don't come cheap, you know!

Renji: _[blinks in confusion for a second before grinning]_ Hey, Rukia. Didn't know you were so eager—

Rukia: (furiously) And I didn't know you were so eager to die!

Renji: _[the rose falls from his lips]_ W-What are you talking about, Rukia – whoa! _[Suddenly stands up as he barely dodges a flaming candle]_ Wait a second! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Rukia: What's wrong with me? The better question is: what's wrong with you?! HOW DARE YOU TELL ICHIGO HOW OLD I WAS?!

_[Aims the glass vase at Renji's head, but hits the back wall instead]_

Renji: _[winces]_ He already knew about it! What's the big deal? Besides, you don't have to ruin all the furniture! I spent all of this year's _and_ last year's salary on this stuff, you know! Those candles, that vase – they all cost me a fortune!

Rukia: Well, it's all your fault! You didn't have to remind him! Now my relationship with him is ruined and he's dating that stupid, ditzy bimbo instead of me!

Renji: _[dodges another flaming candle]_ But I thought you and Inoue were friends!

Rukia: I'm a talented actress, you know!

_[Thirty seconds later, the room is completely ablaze. The table is totally thrashed, the futon scorched, and all candles are strewn across the floor]_

Renji: (panting) Looks like you…still haven't gotten me yet!

Rukia: (smiles mischievously) Emphasis on the "yet." Now it's a good thing you suck at kido…

_[Renji's eyes bulge in terror]_

Renji: No, wait! Rukia! _[Backs away in fright]_ Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?!

Rukia: You should have asked yourself the same question before you told Ichigo how old I was! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! _Hado 31, Shakkaho!_

_[Unable to dodge, Renji is sent flying through the back wall, crashing head-first into the cold pavement outside]_

Renji: (hoarsely) G-Guess you…got me that time!

_[Urahara bursts into the room, his jaw dropping to the ground instantly]_

Urahara: (whimpering) M-M-M-My…My SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

--

_In Karakura Town after school, at the side of the street…_

_Orihime is walking home alone, until all of a sudden, a portal opens from behind her, revealing a very emotionally-ridden Ulquiorra_

Orihime: _[gasps]_ Ulquiorra! B-But I thought you were…

Ulquiorra: Dead? Well, I wasn't. _[Trails off]_ Why didn't you wait for me, woman?

Orihime: (matter-of-factly) I told you: because I thought you were dead! How am I supposed to know you'd eventually come back? How was I supposed to know that you were still alive?

Ulquiorra: _[looks away]_ You're hurting my feelings…

Orihime: _[rolls eyes] _I didn't know you even had any.

Ulquiorra: _[points an accusing finger at Orihime]_ I didn't ask for them, woman! It's all your fault! You gave me a heart in the first place!

Orihime: Why did you come here anyway? Sorry, but I'm kinda seeing someone else right now! Go back to Hueco Mundo or whatever pit you crawled out of. Aren't you supposed to be throwing emo parties or something?

Ulquiorra: _[visibly hurt]_ But…don't you love me? What about that time when you were reaching for my hand? What was all that about if you did not long for me? What was the point of that if you did not reciprocate my feelings?

Orihime: (flabbergasted) Love you? Hello! I was just going with the script!

Ulquiorra: (horrified) The script?!

Orihime: Yes, the script! It's not like I can just defy His Royal Author-ness. Otherwise, he'd just make me a supporting character again. And I kinda like being the center of attention for once, you know. After all, my names does mean "princess" for a reason.

Ulquiorra: (hesitantly) So…you don't love me then?

Orihime: (getting impatient) How many more times do I have to scream "Kurosaki-kun" for you to understand that I'm in love with him?!

Ulquiorra: _[gasps]_ You mean saying someone's name a million times means you're in love with them? Really? Is that how you humans work? Alright, let me try it, wom—I mean, _Orihime_. _[Eyes light up]_ Ooh, it does have a nice ring to it! Let me say that again! _Orihime, Orihime, Orihime, Orihime, Orihime, Orihime, Orihime, Orihime…_

Orihime: Stop it! I said stop! _[Covers her ears with her hands and screams]_ Help me, Kurosaki-kun!

_[Ichigo appears out of nowhere, completely wrapped in bandages]_

Ichigo: You called?

Orihime: _[eyes him suspiciously]_ What happened to you?

Ichigo: (hesitates) Er, long story. So what's the problem?

Orihime: _[stomps her feet on the ground like a whiney toddler]_ He won't stop saying my name!

_[Ichigo turns to see Ulquiorra muttering "Orihime" over and over again_]

Ichigo: (amazed) Dang, even I don't call you that!

Orihime: _[pouts]_ Hello! Not helping!

Ichigo: Alright, alright. _[Holds hands up in surrender]_ Don't have to go all gung-ho on me. _[Under breath]_ _I already had enough of that this morning…_

_[Goes Super Hollow 2.0 and cero blasts a huge hole through Ulquiorra's chest]_

Ichigo: Oh, yeah! Sweet revenge, baby!

_[Ulquiorra looks down at his hole, which is now ten times as large as it used to be. He looks one last time at Orihime, reaching out his hand for her as he slowly falls to the floor, face first]_

Ulquiorra: I lust for everything about you!

Orihime: _[cowers behind Ichigo]_ That's just creepy!

Ulquiorra: (muffled) Like I said before, it's your fault; you gave me a heart.

Orihime: And like _I_ said before, all part of the script!

--

_At Uryu's apartment…_

_A creepy music box plays in the background, while Uryu idly gazes into a lit furnace, three sewn plush dolls in hand. _

_He stares hard at the doll with spiky orange hair and a permanent scowl etched on its face…_

_Flashback to the earlier conversation he had with Chad and Orihime at school…_

_Orihime: (gushing) …So then he asked me out yesterday and I was so embarrassed, but of course, I said yes! _

_Chad: That's great, Inoue._

_[Orihime nods happily, and then turns to Uryu]_

_Orihime: You've been quiet, Ishida-kun. What do you think? _

_Uryu: Me? Um… [nervously adjusts his glasses] yeah, it's great… I'm really happy for you, Inoue. _

_Orihime: [smiles] Thanks! _

_End flashback_

Uryu: (thinking) I will always be happy for you, Inoue… _[Tightens his grip on the spiky-haired doll before tossing it into the embers] _once Kurosaki is out of the way…

_[A sadistic smile pulls at the ends of his lips as he watches the doll burn]_

Uryu: Now it's just you and me, precious… _[He cradles the two remaining dolls in his hands: one with long orange hair and two hairpins, the other with dark hair and square glasses]_

Uryu: _Ishihime…_

* * *

**A/N: **Ooh, creepy! *Shudders* Haha. I totally winged it with this chapter! Sure, some of my original ideas were still implemented, but a lot of this was written as it came to me! I am glad with the turn-out, though! This chapter seems a lot "crackier" than the last one, but I think that's what makes the story so much more fun and unpredictable, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, now you know what would happen if Ichigo and Orihime got together: Rukia would go all crazy madwoman and beat Ichigo to a pulp (seriously, you can never call a woman old and get away with it), Chizuiro would find some other girl to flirt with (though I really think she'd still flirt with Orihime regardless of whether or not she was "taken"), Renji would try to hook up with Rukia now that Ichigo's out of the way (and fail miserably), Ulquiorra would be even more emo than before (this was actually my favorite part), and Uryu would just be all creepy with his dolls. Lol.

Well, enough of my long note. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Please review and let me know what you think, and feel free to suggest possible future pairings!


	3. Ichitatsu

**A/N: **Wow, twelve new reviews since the last chapter – I send my sincerest thanks to all those who took the time to send in their feedback! This chapter took me a little longer to figure out, but I finally came up with some ideas last night and decided to write it up today.

This is a request from **hayato bomber**. Hope you like the turn-out!

**Warning:** This chapter contains violence. You have been warned.

* * *

Chapter Three: Ichitatsu

_By all rights, she is the only one who can say she truly got to him first…_

--

_At the Kuchiki mansion…_

Rukia: _[sighs] _…So yeah, I figured out he's now going out with some girl from the World of the Living. Apparently, they've known each other for a long time.

Byakuya: (excitedly) Really?

_[Rukia shoots him a death glare]_

Byakuya: _[clears throat and puts on his Noble Tone] _I mean…_really?_ That's very unfortunate, Rukia. I am terribly sorry for this unprecedented turn of events. Would you like me to beat up that ryoka for you?

Rukia: _[shakes head] _No, I already did that… On second thought, though, maybe I shouldn't be going out with humans…

Byakuya: _[nods]_ Mmm-hmm.

Rukia: I mean, they're so fickle and capricious. You never know what they're going to do next.

Byakuya: _[nods again]_ Mmm-hmm.

Rukia: You know, maybe I should find someone different. Some other Shinigami who's more…I don't know…_noble_, I guess.

Byakuya: _[grins widely as he sips his tea] _Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Rukia: And that's why…I think I should go back to Hueco Mundo and look for that Ashido guy—

Byakuya: _[spits out his tea]_ Say what?!

Rukia: Yeah, you're right, brother. Ichigo isn't the right guy for me…

Byakuya: W-Who is this "Ashido" character, anyway? Is he some kind of stranger?! Have I met him before?! _What color is his hair?!_

Rukia: No, you haven't met him, but I promised him I'd go back for him once I had the chance. He's probably still waiting for me. I think it'd be rude if I just left him there… _[looks to the floor sadly]_ waiting… (Enthusiastically)So yeah, I guess I'd better go help him! Be back eventually! _[Runs out of the mansion, Zanpaktou in hand]_

Byakuya: No, Rukia, wait! _[Sighs] _Maybe I shouldn't have used Senbonzakura on that ryoka when he was still dating Rukia…

--

_On the streets of Karakura, Ichigo is walking to school until something catches his eye; the autumn leaves start swirling around him, revealing a short girl with purple hair and bright orange eyes…_

Ichigo: _[rubs his eyes in fascination]_ Whoa! How did you _do_ that?!

Senna: _[grins] _Remember me?

Ichigo: Er…am I supposed to?

Senna: _[glares at him]_ You know, I can't believe you've already went through three girlfriends and not one of them is me! This is an outrage! I'm gonna have to talk to the author! Where's Craftygirl?!

Ichigo: _[scratches the back of his head nervously] _Um, do I know you?

Senna: _[looks at him like he's crazy]_ Of course you do! Don't you remember me? You saved me from the Blanks – and that creepy guy with the white hair!

Ichigo: Wait, didn't that happen in a movie or something? Yeah, the first movie, I think. Now what was it called? Memories of Nobody, was it?

Senna: _[nods] _Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Ichigo: _[thinks about it for a moment]_ Hmm…you must be "Nobody" then.

Senna: _[pouts]_ Well, you are just a – _[is suddenly grabbed from behind by the white-haired dude]_ oh, no! Not again! Help me!

White-haired dude: Mwahahahaha! You'll never escape this time!_ [Ascends towards the skies, Senna in tow]_

Senna: _[reaches her hand out for Ichigo and screams in that ever annoying high-pitched voice] _ICHIGO!!

Ichigo: (staring in confusion) H-How do you know my name?!

Senna: _[sighs in defeat]_ And this is the part where you're supposed to scream "Senna."

_[Portal opens in the sky and the white-haired dude and Senna both disappear]_

Ichigo: _[stares in shock for a moment before shrugging]_ Well, that was weird.

--

_Outside of Karakura High after school, Orihime confronts Ichigo and Tatsuki…_

Orihime: (hurt) How could you do this to me, Tatsuki?! I thought we were friends!

Ichigo: Huh?

Tatsuki: (with a raised eyebrow) How could I do _what_, Orihime?

_[Orihime stares pointedly at Ichigo, who is as confused as ever]_

Ichigo: Huh?

Orihime: You know what I'm talking about, Tatsuki! Don't play innocent with me!

_[Wandering students notice the commotion and decide to stand in the sidelines]_

Keigo: (excitedly) Ooh, this is even better than all those Japanese dramas on TV!

Mizuiro: I know.

Renji: (whispering) Ssh! I'm watching the movie! _[Turns to Ikkaku]_ Psst! Hey, pass the popcorn!

Ikkaku: (also whispering) Sure, no problem.

_[Hitsugaya rolls his eyes in disgust]_

Hitsugaya: Ugh. To think I have to put up with these people…

Tatsuki: _[shrugs]_ Nope, still don't know what you're talking about.

Orihime: Grr… _[stands on her toes and barks] _YOU STOLE KUROSAKI-KUN AWAY FROM ME! YOU KNEW HOW MUCH I LIKED HIM! EVERYONE KNEW ABOUT IT!

Uryu: _[pushes glasses up the bridge of his nose]_ I knew about it.

Matsumoto: So did I.

Chad: Yeah.

Ichigo: ……………

Ichigo: Huh?

Tatsuki: (gesturing towards Ichigo) Yeah, I think this big idiot next to me pretty much summed it up. Now if you don't mind us, we have a date to catch. _[Turns to leave] _C'mon, Ichigo! Time for you to get your butt whopped at the arcade!

_[Ichigo, like an obedient puppy, nods and follows Tatsuki's lead]_

Ichigo: Yes, Master.

Orihime: _[rolls eyes before putting hands on hips]_ Hold it right there, you two!

_[Tatsuki stops dead in her tracks, with Ichigo in tow]_

Tatsuki: (darkly) Or what?

Spectators: Ooh!

Hitsugaya: Hey, give me some! _[Snatches the popcorn away from Renji and starts devouring it by the handful]_

Renji: Hey!

Orihime: I challenge you to a fight! Winner gets Kurosaki-kun! _[Points to the clueless carrot-top and winks]_ And I've got a surprise in store for you!

Tatsuki: Oh, don't kid yourself, Orihime. Who do you think taught you how to fight in the first place? _[Puts on a fighting stance] _I am the Women's Second Place Inter-High Champion for a reason, you know.

Orihime: _[smirks]_ Oh, yeah?

Uryu: Arisawa-san has a point there, so how can Inoue-san be so calm?

Chad: _[shrugs]_ Dunno.

Keigo: Who cares?! This is about to get _intense_, one way or another!

_[Suddenly, Orihime lunges forward. Tatsuki prepares to counter, until…]_

Orihime: _[lunges at an unsuspecting Ichigo] _TTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Ichigo: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!

_[Orihime tackles Ichigo to the floor and starts beating the crap outta him] _

Orihime: Your jerk! _[Pow!]_ How dare you…! _[Bam!]_ Choose someone like Tatsuki over me! _[Ba-bam!]_

_[Everyone watches in stunned silence as the beating rages on: Uryu's glasses fall from his nose, popcorn falls from Hitsugaya's gaping mouth, Yumichika sheds his eye feathers…]_

Renji: (apprehensively) Is this…part of the show?

Uryu: (horrified) …Shouldn't someone stop her?

Matsumoto: _[gasps]_ Oh wow, was that his _nose? _

Yumichika: _[turns away in disgust, shielding his face with his arms] _This uncensored violence is not very beautiful!

Hitsugaya: (looking very pale and sickly) I don't feel very… _blourgh!_ _[Throws up whatever popcorn he ate] _

Ikkaku: (grinning sadistically) I don't know what you guys are making such a fuss over, but this is flippin' sweet! YEAH, BRING ON THE VIOLENCE!!

Keigo: _[turns to Yumichika]_ Was he ever a convicted criminal before or something?

Yumichika: Worse. A homicidal killer.

_[Keigo and Mizuiro gulp]_

_[Tatsuki just stares in utter disbelief for another five minutes before shaking herself free from the daze] _

Tatsuki: (running over to Orihime) Okay, okay, Orihime! Don't you think that's enough?!

Orihime: _[continues to pummel Ichigo]_ NO! IT'S NEVER ENOUGH! THIS IS PAYBACK FOR ALL THOSE TIMES HE IGNORED ME, PAID ATTENTION TO KUCHIKI-SAN INSTEAD OF ME, AND CALLED ME FAT!! _[BAM! Punches his face in]_ Wow, who knew that I could do that?

_[Everyone's jaw drops to the floor] _

Tatsuki: Oh, my g….

Hitsugaya: _[throws up again]_ (Queasily) There goes my breakfast…

Renji: (in a daze) No amount of therapy will ever make this okay…

Ikkaku: _[pumping his fist in the air] _OH YEAH! WHO KNEW THAT TIMID HUMAN GIRL HAD SUCH A CRAZY, SADISTIC SIDE?! MAYBE I SHOULD ASK HER OUT SOMETIME!!

Uryu: (sweat pouring from his forehead) Go right ahead… I don't think I ever wanna go near her again.

_[Suddenly, the area drops twenty degrees and the atmosphere becomes thick]_

Matsumoto: _[turns to Hitsugaya, slightly irritated] _Cut it out, Captain!

Hitsugaya: _[wipes his mouth from all the vomit]_ It's not me!

Matsumoto: (shocked) It's not?

_[Everyone turns to face Tatsuki, who is now emitting a sinister dark aura]_

Renji: Whoa! Can you see that? She's leaking out a ton of reiatsu! This could be dangerous!

Tatsuki: (darkly) You crazy witch! _You. Killed. My. Boyfriend!_

Orihime: _[backs away from Ichigo's body]_ (nervously) H-Here! You can have him! He's all yours! _[Bows]_ Just please don't go all kung-fu on me! _Please!_

Tatsuki: (hesitantly) No…I won't.

Orihime: _[looks up hopefully]_ R-Really? Oh, Tatsuki! _[Jumps up to hug her]_ I knew you couldn't stay mad at me!

Tatsuki: _[grins]_ I won't do anything; I'll just have someone else do it for me… Hey, Chizuiro! _[Beckons to the red-haired girl just leaving the school grounds] _

Chizuiro: (clueless) Yes?

Tatsuki: _[points to the girl next to her]_ Orihime's all yours! I won't stop you anymore!

Chizuiro: _[smiles maniacally]_ Really?

Orihime: (horrified) Oh, [beep].

_[Takes off running, screaming at the top of her lungs, while Chizuiro chases her around the fields]_

Chizuiro: Come back here, my precious Orihime-chan! Why are you running away?

Orihime: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Tatsuki: _[places hands on her hips] _Well, that outta show her.

Renji: (wide-eyed) Now _that's_ just wrong.

Uryu: Yeah, on second thought, remind me to take the next plane to America…

Keigo: _[looks at Ichigo's body, which is nothing more than a mangled corpse]_ So what're we gonna do about Ichigo? Is he even still alive?

Chad: _[shrugs]_ Dunno.

* * *

**A/N:** Oh, gosh, the violence! XD I guess it was Orihime's turn to go all crazy violent on Ichigo this time! I had no intention of doing that, but hey, I think it turned out rather amusing, if not crack-ish. Haha. Yep, definitely crack-ish. I think this chapter even tops the last on the crack factor! XD And yeah, in case you couldn't tell, I really hate Senna. The director was seriously out of his mind or something when he thought of that movie. I mean IchigoxSenna? No way! That's why he doesn't remember her at all – 'cause she's a nobody! And a little spin on one of Neji's famous quote from Naruto, "once a nobody, always a nobody!" Oh yeah, and just in case you were wondering, I didn't know the name of the Blank leader so I just decided to call him the "white-haired dude" – hope that's just fine with all of you guys!

But anyway, I hope you all found this chapter as entertaining as the last two. Reviews would be greatly appreciated!


	4. Hitsuyori

**A/N:** Sorry I haven't updated in ages! I've been really caught up with college stuff, schoolwork, and – okay, I'll be honest – that dreaded writer's block (I'd written the earlier part of this chapter a few months back but was never satisfied with the turn-out). On a more positive note, though, I do thank all those who submitted reviews for the last chapter! I feel more inspired to write when I hear from you guys!

This is a request for **Hikari6007**. I hope you like it. I had a few requests asking for the pairing's opinion on their own getting together (e.g. like in the last chapter, how Ichigo would have reacted when he and Tatsuki got together), and for this chapter, I decided to try something different – you'll see… However, since this is a fanfic where other people react to a given pairing, I don't really think the original characters' reactions to their own getting together is really necessary. So yeah, enough of my long note! On to the fanfic! Enjoy!

**Warning: **Spoilers up to the current manga.

* * *

Chapter Four: Hitsuyori

_All's fair in love, war, and shortness. _

--

_At Soul Society. Hitsugaya visits the Fifth Division to check up on a certain lieutenant…_

Random Squad Five member: Come to see Lieutenant Hinamori, as usual, Captain Hitsugaya?

Hitsugaya: (hesitates) Yes…is she in her chambers? (Suddenly anxious) How is she? Is she getting back to her usual self?

RSFM: _[shrugs]_ Depends what you consider to be her "usual" self.

_[Hitsugaya nods grimly and steps past the Squad Five member. He enters the lieutenant's chambers.] _

Hitsugaya: Hinamori? Are you—

Hinamori: (mumbling to herself) Where have you gone, Captain Aizen? Have you really forgotten about me?

Hitsugaya: _[just stands there, unsure of what to do]_ Er, Hinamori?

Hinamori: _[snaps free of her daze] _Oh, hi, Hitsugaya. I didn't see you there.

Hitsugaya: (under breath) _Um, yeah, you haven't been._ (To Hinamori) So, how've you been?

Hinamori: (eyes downcast) Oh, I've just been…thinking lately…

Hitsugaya: About what?

Hinamori: Captain Aizen.

_What else is new? _

_Not surprisingly, even after two hours, Hitsugaya hadn't heard a single sentence that didn't have the words "Captain" or "Aizen" in it. _

Hinamori: (pacing the division quarters) …And I don't understand why everyone still blames Captain Aizen! I still don't believe that the Captain could do all those things on his own. Not Captain Aizen – he couldn't!

Hitsugaya: _[sitting down at the table, tracing the rim on a now-empty glass of water]_ (dully) Uh-huh.

Hinamori: I mean, yes, I don't think that what the Captain did was good. But Captain Aizen – _my_ Captain Aizen betraying the Soul Society? No, it couldn't have been Captain Aizen – it had to be Captain Ichimaru!

Hitsugaya: (with the same lack of enthusiasm) Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hinamori: There's no way Captain Aizen would ever do such a thing! He's the best captain ever. Captain Aizen's kind, caring, and compassionate – he isn't the kind of man who'd disgrace himself or his division! And…_[voice gets softer]_ Captain Aizen might have hurt me, but-but it wasn't really him! _[Eyes start bulging as her voice cracks in hysteria] _Captain Ichimaru's behind it all – h-he's manipulating Captain Aizen!

Hitsugaya: (completely unfazed) Yep. That's great.

Hinamori: (hysterically) I'M TELLING YOU, SHIRO-CHAN; IT WASN'T CAPTAIN AIZEN!!

_And by the end of the day, Hitsugaya's ears were bleeding from Aizen overdose_

--

_The next day at Visored HQ: Shinji is telling the story of how he met all one hundred of his so-called "first loves"…_

Shinji: …So I met her back when I was still captain of the 5th division. She always gave me something pleasant to think about when I didn't have to watch Aizen's back all the time. _[Sighs]_ She was my first love.

Hiyori: (exasperated) That's what you always say…but I'm beginning to wonder if she – or any one of your other "first loves" – even noticed you…

Shinji: (ignoring Hiyori) And then just recently, I met that orange-haired beauty from Ichigo's class. She was also my first love—

Hiyori: _[slams fist on the table] _WILL YOU STOP THAT ALREADY?! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU SAYING ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT ALL YOUR STUPID FIRST LOVES!! JUST SHUT IT ALREADY, STUPID!!

Shinji: (clueless) What? Would you like me to start over again from the beginning?

Hiyori: NO!! _[Flings a slipper at his face]_

Shinji: Ow! _[Rubs his now-red cheek]_ Now, that's not very nice, Hiyori…

Hiyori: Ah, screw it! I don't care! _[Walks out of the building] _(Muttering) Stupid Shinji. Stupid Shinji and all his stupid "first loves!" I'll show him!

_[Hitsugaya suddenly comes into view]_

Hiyori: _[snorts]_ Hey, what're you doing on this side of town, Shortie?

Hitsugaya: _[vein bulges on the top of his head_] Stop calling me that! You're shorter than me, you know!

Hiyori: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Hitsugaya: Anyway, I just had to get away. My lieutenant spilled sake all over my paperwork…_again_! And then Hinamori…never mind.

Hiyori: What? That one lieutenant who's got this big-ass crush on her beloved former captain? Or should I say _traitor_ to the Soul Society (not that I care) and _my number one enemy, Sosuke Aizen?! _

Hitsugaya: (stunned) Um, yeah. That one.

Hiyori: _[folds arms across chest]_ What? She your girlfriend or something?

Hitsugaya: SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!

Hiyori: Oh, yeah? Then why so defensive, Shortie?

Hitsugaya: I AM—! _[Suddenly cuts himself off and clears his throat]_ not defensive. What are you talking about? But stop calling me short already, dammit!

Hiyori: _[grins slyly]_ So the little white-haired captain does have a thing for the Squad Five lieutenant. Interesting…

Hitsugaya: (suspiciously) So, what's it to you?

Hiyori: I'll work out a deal with you. You help me get someone's attention, and I'll make your psychotic girlfriend so jealous she'll be screaming "Chibi-chan" instead of "Captain Aizen!"

Hitsugaya: (hesitates) …Was that supposed to be an insult?

Hiyori: _[Slaps him across the face with her slipper]_ Just get with the program!

Hitsugaya: OW!

_Five seconds later, Shinji steps out of Visored HQ, stretches his arms out, and then spots Hiyori…with Hitsugaya. He puts his hands in his pockets and approaches them casually._

Hiyori: _[grabs Hitsugaya roughly by the shoulders]_ (whispers) Quick! Here he comes!

Hitsugaya: (eyes widening) _[looks to Shinji and then back to Hiyori_] _Hirako Shinji?_ He's the one you were talking about? _[Falls to the floor laughing] _BOHAHAHA!!

Hiyori: (blushing furiously) You stupid, idiot! Keep your voice down!

Hitsugaya: (regaining his composure) _[clears throat]_ That was a good one! Okay, so what do you want me to do?

Hiyori: I don't know! Pretend I'm your girlfriend! Hurry!

Hitsugaya: (shocked) What?! Hell no!

Hiyori: I'll give you watermelon! A nice, big, juicy watermelon!

Hitsugaya: _[eyes light up like a child's] _Okay!

Shinji: (accusingly) What is a _Shinigami_ doing out here in the World of the Living?

Hitsugaya: You got a problem with that?

Shinji: Yeah, I got a problem with that. _[Glances at Hiyori]_ Hiyori, what is this boy doing _here_? _[Looks pointedly toward Visored HQ]_

Hiyori: (coyly) Well, you see here, Shinji, he's my _boyfriend_.

Shinji: (flabbergasted) A-ba-bu…what?! Your boyfriend? T-This half-pint _Shinigami_?! Since when?!

Hitsugaya: (in disbelief) Half-pint?

Hiyori: (completely ignoring Hitsugaya) Since I realized he cares more about me than you do! You wouldn't even care for me if I were to die the next day!*

Shinji: (slightly hurt) Aw, Hiyori. You know that isn't true…

Hiyori: It's always you and the girl you met when you were "still captain of the fifth division," or the new orange-haired babe in Ichigo's class, Inoue Orihime! It's never once about—

_[Uryu suddenly appears out of nowhere, much to everyone's surprise]_

Uryu: _[pushes glasses up the bridge of his nose]_ (curiously) What's this I hear about Inoue-san?

Shinji: (has a dead-pan look on his face) Ah, yes, Orihime…my first love.

Uryu: (slightly irked) Your first love, eh?

_[Uryu whips out a small notepad from his pants pocket and flips to a page titled "Hit List." Under "KILL Kurosaki," "KILL Emo Batman," and "Kill Bald Madman,"** Uryu fiercely jotted a fourth entry, "KILL…] _

Uryu: (hesitantly) Um, what's your name again?

Shinji: (still in a daze) Hirako Shinji.

_[Uryu nods and scribbles down "Guy with the Funny Teeth"]_

Hitsugaya: _[glancing in Uryu's direction]_ (whispers) I thought you didn't care about Inoue anymore. What happened to taking the next plane to America?**

Uryu: _[shrugs]_ Well, I thought it over and figured out something…

Hitsugaya: _[raises an eyebrow]_ What? That you haven't been in the manga for over thirty chapters now?

Uryu: No! _[Thinks it over]_ Oh yeah, you're right. I haven't – not since Kurosaki stabbed me in the gut. _[Gasps]_ And to think he didn't say sorry! _[Whips out his notepad again and underlines "KILL Kurosaki" with renewed passion]_

Uryu: I'm the last Quincy heir! _[Another underline]_ Inoue-san's mine! _[Another fierce underline] _Who else will bear my child?! _[Tears a hole through the paper] _Oops.

Hitsugaya: So, that's what…! _[Massive nosebleed]_ AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! MY POOR 12(0)-YEAR-OLD MIND IS TRAUMATIZED!! _[Starts running around in circles]_

Uryu: (looks at Shinji darkly) Thank you. I'll be seeing you shortly then._ [Departs]_

--

_Ten seconds later and Shinji is lying on the floor, knocked out cold._

Hitsugaya: Wow, who knew those slippers could be so deadly?

Hiyori: _[glares at him]_ Some help you were! Remind me why I even asked for your help again! All you did was talk to that nerdy-looking guy about some erotic manga like the kind Lisa always reads! And here I thought you Shinigami – in all your stuck-up regality – weren't that dirty-minded!

Hitsugaya: (stunned) Erotic? _Dirty-minded?!_ Just wait a second!

Hiyori: _[cuts him off]_ C'mon. Let's get outta here. _[Looks at Shinji with disgust]_ I'm sick of seeing this idiot's face anyway.

Hitsugaya: Er, okay. _[Steps over Shinji's body]_ Where are we going?

Hiyori: Well, don't you have some psychotic girlfriend back in the Soul Society you have to win over?

Hitsugaya: _[scratches head uncomfortably] _Um, yeah, but…

Hiyori: (impatiently) A deal's a deal, Shortie. But because you didn't hold up on your end of the bargain, forget the watermelon.

Hitsugaya: Hey! How do you know about that anyway?

Hiyori: I have my ways…

--

_Along the way, they stumble across a familiar soccer field. Hitsugaya stops for a minute and looks out at the field toward a small, black-haired girl._

Hiyori: (confused) What?

Hitsugaya: It's Ichigo's sister.

Hiyori: Oh yeah, her reiatsu's similar to his, but…so what?

Hitsugaya: _[shakes his head and continues walking]_ It's nothing.

Hiyori: _[gasps dramatically while pointing an accusing finger at Hitsugaya] _Oh, I get it! _You player!_

_[Hitsugaya looks at her in horror before clamping a hand over her mouth]_

Hitsugaya: (whispers) Be quiet! Don't be stupid!

_[Karin suddenly notices the commotion and glances in Hitsugaya's and Hiyori's direction. Upon seeing Hitsugaya, she waves to him and runs over. Hitsugaya quickly releases his hold on Hiyori]_

Karin: Hey, long time no see. Wanna play some soccer? _[Juggles the ball with her knees]_ You were really great on our team last time.

_[Before Hitsugaya can respond, Hiyori cuts him off, stepping in front of him]_

Hiyori: I'm sorry little girl, but my _boyfriend_ can't right now.

Karin: (surprised) Your…boyfriend? _[Looks over at Hitsugaya, who is just as surprised]_ Oh, Hitsugaya, I didn't know you had a girlfriend.

Hitsugaya: Er, it's really not what it seems—

Hiyori: Oh, isn't he adorable? _[Ruffles Hitsugaya's perfectly-spiked hair, much to his chagrin] _He's still embarrassed about it! But yes, we are going out! And I would just hate it if he _cheated_ on me, his _girlfriend_! Because that's not what _boyfriends_ do! _[Looks pointedly at Hitsugaya]_

Hitsugaya: (horrified) Hey, wait a second!

Karin: (stunned) Well, I'm not really sure what you're talking about, but, um, me and this shortie? _[Gestures towards Hitsugaya and shakes her head]_ Uh-uh.

Hitsugaya: (squeaks) Shortie?

Hiyori: Oh, I'm not buying it! Sorry to break it to you, but whatever might've happened between you two the last time – it wasn't real! It was a cheap filler episode, so dream on, sister! You only wish you had panel time with him!

Karin: (a vein popping on her forehead) OKAY, THAT'S IT, BLONDIE! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!

Hiyori: (eyes flashing with evil) WE'LL SEE WHO'S GOING DOWN, SKANK!!

_In the end, flip flops of steel beat out soccer balls of fire._

Hitsugaya: (petrified with horror) Y-You killed her…

Hiyori: _[scoffs] _Relax. I only knocked her out. I'm not that heartless.

Hitsugaya: _[points at Karin's "corpse"] _T-Then why isn't she breathing?!

Hiyori: What the hell are you talking about? _[Looks over at Karin's body] _Oh…I guess I did kill her. _[Shrugs]_ Oh well. Can't be helped I guess.

Hitsugaya: (incredulous) _Can't be helped?!_ (Under breath) _Geez, Kurosaki is going to kill me when he finds out. _

Hiyori: (slightly irritated) What's that?

Hitsugaya: Do me a favor, will you? Please don't kill Hinamori…

--

_Later, in the Soul Society, outside Squad Five barracks…_

Hiyori: I can't believe I agreed to this. I mean, this is the Soul Society, for crying out loud!

Hitsugaya: Yes, I can see that, genius.

Hiyori: You really don't get it, stupid! Not only are you short, but you're really stupid too!

Hitsugaya: _[turns around and glares at her] C_all me short one more time, and I'll—

Hiyori: _[glances over to her left]_ (matter-of-fact) Psycho girlfriend at nine o'clock.

Hitsugaya: What?

Hinamori: Oh, Toshiro, I didn't expect to see you here.

Hitsugaya: _[turns around, surprised]_ Hinamori! I, uh…what are you doing outside your division? Shouldn't you be resting?

Hinamori: _[smiles weakly]_ Don't worry about me, Toshiro. I'm fine.

Hitsugaya: That's _Captain Hitsugaya_ to you.

Hinamori: (finally notices Hiyori) Oh, who's your new friend?

Hitsugaya: (suddenly flabbergasted) A-bu-bu, s-she's actually more of an acquaint—

Hiyori: _[steps in front of Hitsugaya]_ I'm his _girlfriend_.

Hitsugaya: (horrified) A-what?! (Whispering to Hiyori) You know, I'm starting to think this isn't such a great idea!

Hiyori: (hisses) Stop being such a baby! Do you want to make her jealous or what? I've been doing all the work, so it's time for you to play your part! Shortie! _Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie! Shortie!_

Hitsugaya: Stop it!

_[Against all logic, Hitsugaya suddenly grabs Hiyori by the collar and kisses her, full on the lips]_

_[They part five minutes later]_

Hinamori: (speechless) Um, wow.

Hitsugaya: (to Hiyori) Now shut up with the "shortie"s already!

Hiyori: (equally speechless) A-ba-ba… _[faints]_

_[Hitsugaya turns to face Hinamori, who now looks more ghastly than she ever did before…and that's saying something]_

Hitsugaya: (suddenly realizing his mistake) (frantically) No, Hinamori! It's not what it looks like! I only did that to shut her up! I didn't – I mean, I don't—

Hinamori: (in a daze) So much passion! So much energy! So much love! _[Squeals] That was always how I imagined my first kiss with Captain Aizen would be like! _

Hitsugaya: _[world shatters into a bazillion tiny pieces]_ K-Kiss with…Captain Aizen…?

Hinamori: (like a possessed psycho) Wait for me, Captain Aizen! I'm coming for you! _[Suddenly opens a __garganta__ to Hueco Mundo and disappears] _

Random Squad Five Member: Was that…Lieutenant Hinamori? How the hell did she open a garganta?

_*Sob, sob*_

RSFM: (awkwardly) Um, Captain Hitsugaya? Are you alright?

Hitsugaya: (sobbing) _I GIVE UP ON THE WORLD! I GIVE UP ON HUMANITY! I WILL LIVE A POOR EMO LIFE LIKE IZURU FOR AN ETERNITY!! NO AMOUNT OF WATERMELON WILL EVER MAKE UP FOR THIS!!_

RSFM: _[inches away]_ Um, okay.

--

_In Las Noches…_

Hinamori: (still like a possessed psycho) Oh, Captain Aizen! Where are you?

Speakers: _Security alert! Security alert! A Shinigami has just breeched Sector Five! I repeat: a Shinigami has just breeched Sector Five!_

Aizen: I wonder, what could a lone Shinigami be doing up here? Come to sign a death warrant? _[Sighs]_ Where are my espada when I need them?

Gin: _[clears throat]_ Er, they all died, remember? Last time I recall, Yammy's the only one left, and he's still fighting Byakuya of Squad Six and Kenpachi of Squad Eleven.

Aizen: _[pauses]_ Oh, yeah. _[Gin nods] _Well then send out Tousen to deal with it.

Gin: (hesitates) You mean the guy I hated who always spewed random crap about justice and was nothing more than a hypocritical lunatic who needed to be shipped to a psychiatric ward before I and everyone else killed him in his sleep?

Aizen: (thinks about it for a moment) Yes, that guy.

Gin: _[clears throat again]_ Well, I do _so_ hate to say this, Captain Aizen, but it looks like Tousen's dead, too. His former lieutenant, Shuuhei Hisagi, seems to have speared him through the head two chapters back. A most unfortunate tragedy. (Aside) _Thank you, Hisagi!_

Aizen: (snaps) Are you saying all my subordinates are dead?!

Gin: Well, I'm still around aren't I, Captain?

Aizen: Oh, right. Yeah. _[Takes a sip of his tea] _Okay, Gin, go deal with the intruder.

Gin: _[unsheathes his zanpaktou and exits the room]_ (mumbling) Now why do I listen to that egotistical son of a teapot all the time? Hmm, I don't remember…

Aizen: (from inside) Because I gave you _food_, Gin! And I could just as easily take it away!

Gin: (taken aback) W-What? I didn't say anything, Captain Aizen!

Aizen: Go find the intruder now!

Gin: (frantic) Yipe! Alright! _[Runs down the hall] _

Aizen: _[sighs before unveiling a secret timer hidden under his robes] _Now how long did I give Harribel before I decided to kill her? _[Thinks about it for a moment] _Nah, I'll just give him thirty seconds.

_Meanwhile…_

Hinamori: _[gasps] _Captain Ichimaru!

Gin: _[pales]_ Hinamori?! You're _the intruder?!_

Hinamori: (laughing sadistically) Does that _surprise_ you, Captain Ichimaru?! I'm gonna _kill_ you for tricking Captain Aizen!! _[Reveals her zanpaktou] Hajike, Tobiume!_

Gin: Uh-oh. _[Drops Shinso and high-tails it back up the hall, Hinamori hot on his heels]_ I-It's not what you think! I didn't trick him! Captain Aizen's a bad man! A bad man! _[Barely dodges a kido blast aimed for his head]_

_[Gin and Hinamori suddenly burst into the throne room]_

Aizen: _[spits out his tea]_ _What is the meaning of this tyranny?!_

Gin: _[sprinting across the room]_ Captain Aizen! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Please! MMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!

Aizen: What are you talking about?! _[Suddenly sees Hinamori and is drained of all color. Backs away in fright] _!! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!!

Hinamori: (suddenly notices Aizen) C-Captain Aizen? _[Releases her hold on Tobiume as Gin drops to the floor in a tired heap]_

Aizen: (becoming increasingly pale) Y-Yes?

Hinamori: _[eyes light up as she runs to his side] _Oh, Captain Aizen! I've missed you!

Aizen: !!!!!!!!!!

_And that's when Aizen met the most agonizing five minutes of his life. Thank you, Hitsugaya…_

--

_One month later, in the World of the Living – Visored HQ…_

Hiyori: (waking up from her coma) Damn, Shinji. How long was I out?

Hitsugaya: Shinji's dead. Turns out your slippers killed him after all. And so is Aizen after what Hinamori did to him, apparently. Sucked the life out of him. Literally. Hinamori hasn't left her precious "Aizen shrine" since. _[Shudders]_ When her squad threatened to burn it, she even threatened to kill herself, I heard. So yeah, we just let her be. Oh yeah, and all the Visoreds just left after that. Said they had nothing to do after Aizen died. _[Grins]_ Looks like it's just you and me…

Hiyori: (flabbergasted) A-bu-WHAT?!_ [Jumps to her feet]_ Hold it, Shortie! I don't know what you're talking about! There is no "you and me!" We were just faking it! You're still hung up over your psycho girlfriend and Shinji's still_—[turns around and sees a grave marker with "RIP Hirako Shinji" carved on it]_ or not…

Hitsugaya: Look, I've thought about it a lot and realized, hey, Hinamori's never going to get over Aizen. Why waste my time?

Hiyori: _[scoffs] _Took you long enough.

Hitsugaya: And then there was that kiss…even though you were like, dead, for most of it – I, uh… _[blushes]_

Hiyori: _[slaps a hand against her forehead] _Oh, my gosh! You've got to be kidding me! I can't believe this! _[Hesitates]_ But for a short guy, that was _some_ kiss!

Hitsugaya: _[eyes light up]_ (excitedly) So you'll go out with me? You'll be my girlfriend?!

Hiyori: _[thinks about it for a moment] _Only on one condition…

Hitsugaya: What?

Hiyori: _[grins]_ You have to say you're shorter than me!

Hitsugaya: Hell no!

Hiyori: I'll give you watermelon!

Hitsugaya: _[folds arms across chest and turns away] _I'm not some kid. That won't work on me again. Besides, you didn't even give me one the last time!

Hiyori: How about if I promise to give you _two_ watermelons? The plump, juicy kind?

Hitsugaya: Okay! _[Bows down to Hiyori]_ You are taller than me, Master! I am much too short for you!

Hiyori: _[pats his head while stifling a laugh] _I love this guy already!

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, that was so cracky and random and bizarre, but it at least had somewhat of a plot! By now, you can see what I meant by how this chapter was different from my previous ones, but I hope you all enjoyed the fresh twist!

*Gosh, my timing for doing Hitsuyori couldn't be any better, huh? Just so you know, I have nothing against ShinjixHiyori, and given the manga, Shinji was obviously devastated when she died. But hey, a fanfic is a fanfic!

**Please refer to my previous chapter ("Ichitatsu") if this part doesn't make sense. Trust me, the reference to Ikkaku and the plane to America aren't just there 'cause I felt like it!

Anyway, the next chapter will either be Ishihime or Renruki, since I got a few requests for them. On a further note, suggestions are welcome, but with all the requests I've been getting, I can't guarantee that I'll get to them all, although I might be able to put some on the side (like with this chapter). As always, reviews are loved!


	5. Renruki

**A/N:** Another update! Thanks to all those who reviewed since the last chapter! College stuff and semester finals are finally over! I hope to continue bringing in more laughs with this one!

Chapter Five: Renruki

_Childhood friends, now lovers? Why not?_

* * *

_Ichigo and company are sitting on the school lawn eating lunch. Renji and Rukia suddenly approach…_

_Walking arm-in-arm._

Uryu: _[glances up at the pair] _Did I miss something?

Mizuiro: Hey, Ichigo, isn't that your cousin? What's he doing with Kuchiki-san? They look awfully chummy.

Ichigo: _[raises a questioning eyebrow]_ What the hell?

Rukia: (putting on her phony school girl act) Oh hello, everyone! _[Curtsies] _

Renji: Yo.

Orihime: Good morning, Kuchiki-san, Abarai-kun!

Mizuiro: You're looking as beautiful as always, Kuchiki-san!

Ichigo: _[casually taking a bite out of his sandwich]_ So care to fill me in, you two? Did you guys lose some sort of bet and that's why you're now forced to stick together like glue?

_[Renji and Rukia exchange quizzical glances]_

Renji: No…

Rukia: (enthusiastically) We're going out!

Ichigo and Keigo: (gagging on their lunches) SAY WHAT?!

Ichigo: (horrified) Since when?!

Keigo: That's impossible! _[Starts sobbing]_ Why, Kuchiki-san? _Why?!_

Ichigo: _[Jumps to his feet]_ What the hell is wrong with you, Rukia? _[Points a threatening finger at Renji]_ How could you choose this stupid pineapple over someone like me?! He can't even do his hair right! See how it sticks up in all the wrong places! At least I get mine done by a professional!

Renji: Hey!

Rukia: (snaps) It's not always about you, Ichigo!

Ichigo: Oh yeah? Well then, what is it? 'Cause the only one I see here is me!

Uryu: Wow…what egos… (nder breath) _That's why I hate Shinigami._

Mizuiro: (to Uryu) What's that you said?

Uryu: (hesitates) Er…that's why I hate sh**ty origami…

Mizuiro: _Okaaayy_…weird…

Orihime: (to Renji and Rukia) Congratulations!

Renji, Rukia, and Ichigo: _[turns to Orihime]_ SHUT UP!!

Orihime: (squeaks) Okay.

Uryu: _[suddenly hielding Orihime]_ Hey, do not say such slanderous words to my beautiful princess! _[Turns to face her]_ Are you okay, Inoue-san?

Orihime: (unsure) …Yes?

Ichigo: (to Rukia) But I don't get it! I thought – I thought…!

Renji: (cutting in) You really don't know anything, do you? Rukia and I go way back! You never stood a chance!

Ichigo: But you never cared! You let her go! You took her back to the Soul Society to get her executed, remember?

Mizuiro and Keigo: What?

Mizuiro: What 'Soul Society'?

Keigo: Execution?! Not my beloved Kuchiki-san!

Uryu: _[pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose]_ No, Kurosaki said "Sew Society." You know, as in _sewing_? Yeah, it's a pretty big club (I would know). And by "execution," he meant Abarai-san had to take Kuchiki-san back to finish her sewing project.

Mizuiro: (dubiously) Really now?

_[Uryu nods, sweat drops forming on his temple]_

Keigo: Oh! So that explains why Kuchiki-san's busy all the time! Maybe I should visit her at the Sew Society sometime!

Uryu: (muttering) Yeah, you do that..

Rukia: (to Renji) Oh yeah…I almost forgot about that. You _did_ take me back to get executed! What was up with that, Renji? You jerk!

Renji: What? C'mon! Don't tell me you're taking Ichigo's side! He's been totally unfaithful to you! Remember? A few chapters back! With Inoue and that purple-haired tomboy chick!

Ichigo: Hey! That never happened! I don't even remember any of that!

Renji: You can't deny it, Tiger Woods!

Orihime: Jerk!

Rukia: (to Ichigo) Oh, that's right, you two-timer! And you ask yourself why I chose someone like Renji over you! I think the reason is perfectly clear!

Renji: You heard the woman! Now back off, buddy!

Ichigo: No, I won't! Do you know how hard I tried to win Rukia over? I nearly stripped down naked saving her from Yammy-zilla – just so she would notice!

Mizuiro: Who's "Yammy-zilla"?

Uryu: Godzilla's white brother.

Rukia: (to Ichigo) Yeah, you did strip! And I was, like, _traumatized forever!_ Do you know how much therapy I had to go through after that? Seriously, it was bad enough seeing your half-naked bandaged body six inches from my face at the bridge in Soul Society! Don't you have any decency to at least tie your kimono?! For crying out loud, that's why I can never go out with a human!

Mizuiro: (surprised) Whoa, what's she talking about now?

Keigo: _[raises an eyebrow]_ Just what happens in the Sew Society? Dang, this doesn't sound like innocent old lady-type sewing!

_[A vein pops on Uryu's forehead…any second now…]_

Mizuiro: _[gasps]_ Human?! If Kuchiki-san's not human, _then what is she?_

Uryu: SHUT UP, NOOBS, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! _[Knocks both of them out in one punch]_

Orihime: (amazed) Wow, Ishida-kun. I didn't know you were so strong…

Uryu: Oh, I go to the gym on Sundays. You just can't see it under my Quincy clothes all the time. Or my uniform.

Orihime: Oh? _[Moves in closer to Uryu and purrs seductively]_ But maybe I can…

Uryu: (turning beet red) Inoue-san?

Orihime: Wanna come back to my place? You can _work out_ all you want…

Uryu: _[stares at Orihime for the longest time]_ "…"

Uryu: (light bulb finally going off) Oh, I know a gym near by! We can go together!

Orihime: _[looks at him with in sheer disbelief] _Ishida-kun, you are… SO STUPID!! _[Blushes furiously in embarrassment and slaps him across the face]_

Uryu: _[reels back from the impact]_ Ow! But…! What did I do?

Orihime: _[sighs]_ Never mind. Forget it. _[Gets up to leave] _I'm going to class!

Uryu: [_stands up as well]_ Wait! Do you want me to walk you there?

Inoue: No! In fact, I never want to see you again!

Uryu: _[frowns while watching a retreating Orihime]_ Was it something I said?

Chad: Dude, you fail at life.

Uryu: _[jumps back in shock]_ Whoa! Sado-san! Where'd you come from?!

Chad: …I was always here. It's just that no one ever notices me…

Uryu: (under breath) _I wonder why…_

_ANYWAY! Back to the main focus…_

Renji: Seriously, Ichigo, you've got it all wrong; Rukia isn't like one of those rabid fangirls who like shirtless, buff werewolves. She likes guys who wear all things Chappy. I mean, watch this! _[Quickly undoes his school uniform to reveal a bright yellow shirt with a big Chappy face on it]_

Rukia: _[eyes light up like diamonds] _Ooh! CHAPPY!! KAAWWWAAAAIIII~~! _[Glomps Renji]_

Ichigo:_ [eyes bulge in shock] _WHAT THE _HELL_ DID YOU DO TO HER?!

Renji: _[returns the hug while smirking victoriously at Ichigo]_ Don't be jealous, now. You just wish you could've thought of this first.

Ichigo: _[points an accusing finger at Renji] _But that's just wrong! _It's called _manipulation_, you sick perv!!_

Renji: Sick perv? It's called using your brain for once, dumbass! Besides… _[grins]_ you should see what happens when I decide to wear Chappy boxers…

Ichigo: _[jaw drops to the floor]_ Oh, my g… _okaaayy_! I seriously did NOT need to hear that just now! TMI!! Haven't you ever heard of that before! Dude, you're disgusting!!

Renji: Hey, but in the end, I win, don't I? That's all that matters… _[Turns to stare down at the petite girl attached to his side]_ right, Rukia?

Rukia: (like an over-enthused child) Right!

Ichigo: (staring in disgust) Okay, that's just…_slightly_ disturbing…

Renji: _[laughs]_ Say whatever you want! You lost, Ichigo! So why don't you just suck on it?!

Ichigo: (through gritted teeth) _Why, you…_

_[All of a sudden, a senkaimon opens nearby, revealing a seething Byakuya]_

Byakuya: My Rukia Radar detects something obscenely unforgivable has taken place… _[Automatically turns toward Ichigo, who points to Renji. Byakuya turns to said person with a piercing glare]_ (growling) Renji…I should have known…

Renji: _[suddenly notices his captain and shoves Rukia away from him] _C-Captain Kuchiki!

Rukia: Hey! Jerk!

Renji: (nervously) W-What brings you to the World of the Living, C-Captain?

Byakuya: I could ask you the same question… _You. Filthy. INSECT!!_ _[Unsheathes his zanpaktou]_ _Scatter, Senbonzakura._

Renji: _[sweat pouring down his face as he makes a mad dash across the school grounds] _NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Captain! Don't you think you're taking this too far?!

Byakuya: _[chasing after Renji with pink glass flower petals]_ HOW _DARE_ YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SISTER, YOU UNCIVILIZED PERVERT!! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!

Renji: _[sprinting across the field] _Wait a second! Just let me explain, Captain Kuchiki!

Byakuya: THERE'S NOTHING FOR YOU TO EXPLAIN! YOU ARE NO LONGER MY SUBORDINATE! I WILL HAVE YOU TRANSFERRED OVER TO THE FOURTH DIVISION IMMEDIATELY, WHERE YOU WILL CLEAN THE SEWERS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!

Renji: Nnnnnnooooooooooo!! Anything but that!! _[The Flower Petals of Doom suddenly swarm Renji and close in on him]_ Oh, [beep]—

Ichigo: (watching from the sidelines as Byakuya's Senbonzakura buries Renji is a heap of glass) Ooh, that's gotta hurt. But hey, it seems like I lasted longer than him last time when Byakuya did the same thing to me. Haha! I wonder how long he's gonna be in the infirmary…

Rukia: _[sighs]_ And that's why my relationships never last…

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, that chapter was a bunch of spontaneous crack! Only one scene this time. I apologize for its shortness, but I felt like that was a good place to end – all in two hours! Well, anyway, I hope you all enjoyed that! The next chapter will be Ishihime! Reviews are loved!


	6. Ishihime

**A/N: **Thanks again for the reviews! This chapter is dedicated to **Aiko HanaKai**.

**Warning: **Spoiler alert for the latest chapter! But you'll probably have to squint!

* * *

Chapter Six: Ishihime

_Quincy nerd meets ditzy princess? How adorkable! _

_In Orihime's front door: Hitsugaya and Matsumoto are standing inside with Orihime and Uryu on the outside_

Matsumoto: _[embracing Orihime and Uryu]_ That's so cute! Congratulations! I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I'm so happy for the both of you!

Hitsugaya: …

Uryu: _[quickly breaking free from the embrace_] Er, yeah. Thanks.

Matsumoto: But what I don't get is…what happened with Ichigo? I thought you liked him. You said so yourself.

Uryu: (indignantly) Hey, she can change her mind, you know!

Matsumoto: (ignoring Uryu) How'd you finally manage to get over him?

Orihime: I didn't! I just felt really bad for Ishida-kun. And he was always staring at me in class. It was really creepy. I thought that maybe if I agreed to go out with him, he'd stop harassing me!

Uryu: (horrified) So this is just a pity date then?!

Orihime: _[laughs] _I'm just kidding, Ishida-kun! You're so funny when you freak out like that!

Matsumoto: _[turns to Hitsugaya]_ Aww…Captain, you need to get a girlfriend.

Hitsugaya: _[gasps suddenly]_ (to Uryu) You killed them all, didn't you?! I can't believe you actually did it – everyone on your hit list! _[Points an accusing finger at Uryu]_ _YOU MURDERER!!_

Uryu: (alarmed) Wait a second! It's not what it seems! I didn't actually—!

Hitsugaya: Oh, yes you did! I saw you! Two chapters back! You were going to kill everyone – especially Kurosaki! Killing them is the only way you could have actually succeeded! _[Is muffled by Uryu]_ Mmf!

Uryu: (to Hitsugaya) _That's enough, brat! _(To Orihime) Don't listen to him! He doesn't know what he's talking about!

Orihime: Ishida-kun?

Matsumoto: Hit list?

_[Said females exchange glances and then burst out laughing]_

Uryu: …Is that really so funny?

Orihime and Matsumoto: YES!!

Uryu: (whimpering) I feel like I've lost all my pride just now… _[Hangs head and goes into fetal position]_

Hitsugaya: Will you people stop laughing?! This is serious business here! _[Points at Uryu again]_ That kid is a homicidal freak!

Matsumoto: (through laughs) Who're you calling a kid, kid?

Hitsugaya: _[glares at his vice captain]_ Hey! Say that again, and I'll double your paperwork!

Matsumoto: _[suddenly stops laughing_] Okay, shutting up now.

Hitsugaya: That's better.

_[Ichigo, Shinji, and Ikkaku come up from behind]_

Ichigo: Oh hey, you guys.

Uryu: _[sees the three approaching and jumps to his feet] _See, I told you I didn't kill them! You were just making stuff up!

Ichigo, Shinji, and Ikkaku: Kill us? _[Exchange glances with each other and then burst out laughing]_

Uryu: Why the _hell_ does everyone think that's so funny?!

Matsumoto: Ooh, you just cursed! The Quincy just cursed!

Uryu: Yeah, so? What the hell do you care, b*tch?

Matsumoto: _[gasps]_ That's it, I'll kill you right now! _[Starts to charge at Uryu, but is held back by Orihime]_

Hitsugaya: (to Uryu) But where's "Emo Batman" then?! I saw him on your list! And he isn't here now! You still killed _him_!!

Orihime: _[gasps]_ You killed Batman, Uryu?! But he's the coolest superhero ever! Why would you _do_ that?!

Everyone else except Orihime and Hitsugaya: He's already dead.

Hitsugaya: Oh… _[clears throat]_ never mind then… _[hesitates]_ You know what? I'm going inside! See you all later! _[Turns around and slams the door behind him]_

_[Sobs are heard from inside the house]_

Matsumoto: Aww, poor baby.

Ikkaku: Your Captain is such a pansy.

Shinji: _[sighs]_ Well what else can you expect from a Shinigami?

Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Ichigo: Hey!

Orihime: _[gasps even louder than before]_ But how could Batman already be dead?! _Did those Americans already kill him off?!_

Ichigo: For crying out loud, it's not the real Batman! We're talking about Ulquiorra here!

Orihime: Ooh, right. I forgot. _[Turns to Ichigo]_ _You_ killed him, didn't you, Kurosaki-kun?

Ichigo: _[winces]_ Technically, no. But do you have to rub it in?

Uryu: (triumphantly) I told you I didn't kill them! I could never _kill_ anyone anyway! You know that, don't you, Inoue-san?

Orihime: (cheerfully) Nope! Not you, Ishida-kun! You're too weak! If Ulquiorra were still alive, he'd just kick your butt all over again! It wouldn't be just your hand he'd cut off this time, either!

Uryu: That's right! …Wait, what?

Orihime: Hey, why don't I just bring him to life right now?

Uryu: (starting to panic) What?! Are you crazy?! You want to see me lose or something?! _Die even?!_

Orihime: Yep!

Uryu: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Orihime: _[holds her hands out in front of her]_ Soten Kisshun—

Uryu: (sweating up the Pacific Ocean) NO, WAIT!!

Ichigo: _[points to Orihime]_ EVERYONE, STOP HER!!

Ikkaku: DOG PILE!!

Orihime: EEEEPPPP!! I WAS JUST—

_Kidding? Well too bad. Everyone piled on top of Orihime…and with three muscular guys and one well-endowed woman…well, let's just say it wasn't pretty… _

Uryu: _[slaps his hands against his cheeks in horror]_ What do you crazy-ass people think you're doing?! _Get off of her!!_

Matsumoto: _[standing up with the rest of the guys]_ Gosh, who knew you were such a potty mouth?

Uryu: Shut up, b*tch.

Matsumoto: _[smiles wryly before suddenly raising a threatening fist in the air]_ That's it! Now that Orihime can't stop me…! _[Pops a Soul Candy into her mouth and unsheathes her zanpaktou] Roar, Haineko!_

Uryu: I was just kidding! Can't you take a joke?! _[Turns around and pounds on Orihime's front door] _Hitsugaya, let me in right now!!

Hitsugaya: (from the inside, in between sobs) _Leave me alone! _

Uryu: I don't believe this…

Matsumoto: (smiling sadistically) Oh, when my Captain cries, he doesn't listen to anyone. You'll have better luck stabbing Aizen in the back with a zanpaktou!

Uryu: EEP!! HELP ME!! _[Cowers behind the three guys]_

Ikkaku: You're such a baby.

Shinji: Even I gotta admit, a Shinigami is better than a _Quincy_.

Uryu: Hey!

Ichigo: If it bothers you so much, then get out there and take it like a man! _[Shoves Uryu in front of them]_

Uryu: _[in a pathetically high-pitched voice_] But I'm not a man! I'm only sixteen!

Matsumoto: That's right! Get out here! Mwhahahahahaha!!

_[Uryu just stands there screaming and gets pwned by ashes]_

Ikkaku: What the hell?! He didn't even run!!

Ichigo: Well, that's Uryu for you.

Ikkaku: _[scoffs]_ Disgusting. And to think you'd expect more from the last Quincy.

Ichigo: Technically, he's not the last—

Ikkaku: Whatever.

Shinji: _[sighs]_ I don't know why I'm even here right now.

Ichigo and Ikkaku: …Neither do we.

--

_The next day, at Karakura High..._

Rukia: …But what happened, Inoue? I thought for sure you had a thing for Ichigo.

Uryu: Why does everyone say that?!

Orihime: Well, it's a little complicated—

Ichigo: (shocked) What? You have feelings for me, Inoue?! SINCE WHEN?!

Orihime: _[hangs head in defeat and sighs]_ And that's why I gave up…

Rukia: _[gives Orihime a sympathetic look before glaring at Ichigo]_ I can't believe you, Ichigo! You're so stupid sometimes! How could you just hurt a poor girl's feelings like that?! The least you could do is tell you her you feel the same way!

Ichigo: But that's just it – _I don't!_

Rukia: And why not?! She too stupid for you or something?! Too needy?! _Too obsessed?!_

Ichigo: No!

Orihime: …You know, Kuchiki-san, you're really not helping…

Ichigo: You wanna know?! Well it's because I already love someone else! And that person is y…!

_[It suddenly gets dead quiet, and a lone tumbleweed rolls by in the wind]_

Rukia: _[looks at him in disbelief]_ Ichigo…

Ichigo: _[flushes bright red]_ You know what? Forget I said anything! I take it back!

Rukia: _[flushes an even brighter red]_ Well, you can't exactly do that, idiot! It's kinda late for that now, don't you think?!

Orihime: Um, wow…

Uryu: _Awkwaarrrdd…_

Renji: (shaking his head in disgust) You're so stupid, Ichigo…

Ichigo: (suddenly frantic) You know what?! I'm be going home!

Rukia: (with equal franticness – wow, that's actually a word!) That's a great idea! Me, too!

Ichigo: So long as it isn't my house, do whatever you want!

Rukia: Fine! I'll just go to Urahara's then!

Ichigo: Good! You better!

Rukia: Don't worry; I will!

Ichigo: Fine!

Rukia: Fine!

_[Both high-tail it outta the school grounds on their separate ways]_

Renji: Well, that was weird…_anyway_, _[turns to Uryu] _Ishida, what's up with you all of a sudden? Not that I care, but I always thought you had this weird thing for that one Bount woman.

Orihime: Huh?

Uryu: _[shrugs]_ Well, she was a filler character. She died, and I had to move on…

Renji: _[raises an eyebrow]_ Move on, huh? Then what's with the life-size cardboard cutout I saw in your house the other day? The one that said, "I Love Yoshino" on it?

Orihime: What's he talking about, Ishida-kun?

Uryu: (suddenly flustered) N-Nothing at all, Inoue-san! They're all lies, I tell you! LIES!! _[Narrows his eyes suspiciously] _But just what were you doing in my house, anyway?

Renji: Er…let's just say Urahara and the little brats didn't feel like feeding me that day…

Uryu: _[gasps in horror]_ So broke into my house, stole my food, _and snuck into my secret Yoshino shrine?!_

Renji: Broke in? No…we Shinigami have so much more finesse than that—wait! Dude, you have a secret Yoshino shrine?! What the hell is wrong with you?! _What part of "move on" do you not understand?!_

Orihime: (completely clueless) "…"

Orihime: Huh?

_[Tatsuki is suddenly seen running toward the threesome from a distance]_

Tatsuki: Orihime!

Orihime: Oh, what's up, Tatsuki?

Tatsuki: _[glares at a clueless Uryu before turning back to Orihime]_ Mommy doesn't approve!

Uryu: (confused) Mommy?

Orihime: What do you mean you don't approve? What's wrong?

Tatsuki: You always told me how you wanted to marry Ichigo and have lots and lots of cute, orange-haired little kids! Ten girls and ten boys, remember? With two sets of twins on top of that! I can't let you give up on your dream, Orihime!

Renji: What the hell? How's that even possible? Can humans really pop out that many babies?

Uryu: (horrified) You wanted _how many_ kids with Kurosaki?!

Orihime: (completely ignoring Uryu) But this is my choice, Tatsuki!

Tatsuki: Just think about it! Blue and orange? What hair color does that make anyway?

Orihime: Uh…

Uryu: …50% blue and 50% orange? _[Thinks about it for a moment] _Well, no, it actually depends if a certain color is the dominant gene—

Tatsuki: That's right – nothing, peoples! This is like, totally criminal right now!

Orihime: You know what, Tatsuki? I'm through with this! I'm getting _emancipated_, you worthless mother hen!

Tatsuki: _[gasps]_ What did you just call me?

Orihime: Worthless. Mother. Hen!

Tatsuki: That's it! You're no child of mine! I'm gonna kick your ass!

Orihime: Bring it!

_[Cat fight ensues]_

Renji: (watching from the sidelines) So…who do you think is gonna win?

Both: _[exchange glances]_ Arisawa.

Uryu: _[hesitates]_ Wait…she doesn't still want 24 kids now, does she?

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, it's like 1:45AM right now, but I actually got this done and edited! That makes me happy! XD Well, only two scenes this time, but at least it's one more than last time! Hope you enjoyed the crackiness!

Please R&R!


	7. Ichiyoru and Urayoru

**A/N: **…I realize I haven't updated this story since the beginning of February. You all must have thought I ran out of ideas, but I guarantee you, this fic is far from over! There are still a lot of other reactions and pairings I have planned!

That said, I apologize for the long wait, but hope that this special "two-pairing" chapter makes up for it! This chapter is a little different – kinda like the Hitsuyori chapter I did a while back. Hope you like it! This is a request for both **sallythedestroyerofworlds23 **and **Vizardwannabe**. Enjoy!

**Warning: **This chapter contains nudity and inappropriate content. Proceed with caution.

* * *

Chapter Seven: Ichiyoru and Urayoru

_Oh, the disarming qualities of nudity…_

_After school at the Karakura High school gates, Ichigo and company in tow…_

Ichigo: _[impatiently checks his wristwatch] _Damn! Late again! Man, she's never gonna let me down on this one!

Orihime: Huh? Is something wrong, Kurosaki-kun?

Rukia: This again? What's up with you lately, Ichigo?

Ichigo: Sorry, guys! I gotta go! _[Takes off running down the street]_

Uryu: That's strange. I think that was the fifth time he's taken off like that this week.

Orihime: (thoughtfully) I wonder where he's going; that's not the way to his house…

Rukia: And how would _you_ know the way to his house, Inoue?

Orihime: (blushing slightly) Well, I…

Uryu: _[gasps]_ _Don't tell me you stalked him _again_, Inoue-san!_

Orihime: I didn't _stalk_ him, Ishida-kun! I only followed him until he went through the front door of his house, when I got out my binoculars and watched him take a shower before staring at his peaceful face until morning came! That's _not_ the same as stalking him.

_[Everyone stares at her in shock]_

Orihime: (clueless) What? Why are you all staring at me?

Uryu: _[uncomfortably adjusts his glasses] _Um, well that definitely isn't _stalking, _that's for sure...

Chad: That's because it's _worse_.

Rukia: Whatever. I'm concerned about Ichigo. He doesn't usually run off like this.

Orihime: How about we investigate?

Rukia: You mean follow him around and see what he's up to?

Orihime: (cheerfully) Of course! I do it all the time! …Just not this week, apparently.

Uryu: If Kurosaki finds out about this…

Rukia: That's just it then; he won't find out.

Orihime: But I thought you didn't like prying into his business, Kuchiki-san.

Rukia: This isn't prying; this is for his own good! I mean, with the way he's been acting, it's almost like he's having a secret affair with some woman!

Orihime: (horrified) No! You couldn't possibly think that, Kuchiki-san!

Rukia: Well with the way he's been with been paired with both of us _and_ Tatsuki in past chapters, I really wouldn't be surprised. Besides, he hasn't been paired with anyone since chapter three. He probably got bored and thought it was time to find someone else.

Uryu: She has a point there.

Rukia: Think about it, Inoue. This is the perfect way to get back at him. Catching him in the act. He'll be so embarrassed.

Orihime: Let's just hope that he isn't seeing someone, though…

Chad: There's only one way to find out.

Renji: _[pumps a fist in the air]_ YEAH!

Everyone else: O_o

Rukia: Renji…where'd you come from?

Renji: _[grins]_ I heard the words "Ichigo" and "get back at him," and thought I'd like to be a part of it.

Rukia: _[returns the smile]_ Works for me.

* * *

_At a stray, dark alley in a secluded street: the group hides behind a building, watching Ichigo_

Rukia: Well, looks like this is it.

Renji: Tch. A dark alley…how typically unoriginal of him.

Uryu: What's he doing?

_[A black cat comes into view]_

Ichigo: (kneeling down to feed the cat) Okay, here's your catnip, as promised. Are you happy now?

Orihime: Aw, how cute! He's feeding a stray cat! So that's what he's been doing! I knew he wasn't having some secret affair with another woman—

Rukia: _[clamps a hand over Orihime's mouth]_ Shh! You're being too loud! And there's something oddly familiar about that cat…

Black cat: _[chews on the catnip for a moment before spitting it out]_ (in a deep male voice) What's wrong with you? This is the worst catnip I've ever had!

_Everyone's eyes widen._

Rukia: That's—!

Uryu: It's—

Orihime: _[freeing herself from Rukia's grip] _No way! It's a _talking_ cat! Oh, my gosh! Where's my camera?

Renji: _[clears throat]_ It's Yoruichi…

Chad: But what's he doing feeding her catnip?

Renji: _[shrugs]_ Maybe that old bag Urahara wasn't feeding her right? He and the brats never care to feed _me_.

Rukia: No, that's not it. There's something else…

Black cat/Yoruichi: Well, I suppose you did what you were told. _[Sighs]_

_[Poof! Smoke appears, barely concealing a rather revealing woman. Both girls' jaws drop in shock and Uryu's glasses shatter as he starts sweating profusely]_

Ichigo: (suddenly flustered and turning three shades of red) A-bu…ah….

Chad: Hot mama! _[Bolts from the building towards Yoruichi]_

Renji: I call dibs! _[Sprints after Chad]_

Rukia: (horrified) Renji! Guys! _[Turns to Uryu, who is now as red as the inside of Hitsugaya's ripest watermelon]_ Well at least _you_ have some decency.

Uryu: (in a daze) I am a Quincy. I must resist temptation…

Ichigo: (suddenly seeing Chad and Renji, as well as everyone behind them) What the—? What the hell are you guys doing here?_ [Gestures to Yoruichi, blushing slightly] _This-this is a private meeting!

Orihime: (rising from her post) We've been following you, Kurosaki-kun! And, and—! _[Starts breaking out in tears]_ I don't believe this!

Rukia: (burying her face in her hands) This is turning out to be an utter disaster.

Ichigo: _[gasps]_ Inoue? What? Have you all been stalking me? I mean, I get Inoue – she's been doing it since we were kids, but…Chad and Rukia? _What the hell?_

Rukia: (under her breath) Well, there's no point in hiding anymore. _[Steps out from behind the building]_ I knew you were with some other woman! You are such a two-timer, Ichigo! What is this now—the _fourth_ course?

Yoruichi: (thoughtfully) Fourth course, huh? And here I thought he'd never been with a woman until now. I'm impressed.

Ichigo: (now blushing profusely) Shut up! You're not helping!

Orihime: (to Yoruichi) Y-You're disgusting, you know! Who'd know you'd stoop this low just to get his attention? What'd you expect, stripping naked like that? Of course he was going to notice you! If I'd done it myself, I'd have all the guys groveling at my feet, too!

Yoruichi: You think so, huh? Well I don't see you having the guts to strip. Show me what you've got then, little girl.

Orihime: Uh…

Yoruichi: _[sneers]_ Yeah, I knew you didn't have it in you. Typical.

Orihime: (blushing in embarrassment) Oh yeah? Watch this!

_[She strips…and the guys go crazy again…]_

Renji: Oh yeah! Bring on the nudity!

Chad: (blood gushing from his nose) Uh…I think I'm having a nosebleed…

Rukia: _[shakes her head in disgust]_ You're all such perverts. Ishida, I'm so glad you're not like… _[Turns around to where Uryu was standing, but notices he's absent]_ Ishida?

_[Rukia looks up and sees Uryu flouncing towards Orihime]_

Uryu: I 3 BOOBIIIIEEESSSSSSSSS!

Rukia: (looking on in sheer horror and disgust) I feel like I'm in some cheap-ass strip club right now…

Orihime: Well, Kurosaki-kun? _[Blushes] _What do you think?

_[Ichigo is seen making out with Yoruichi]_

Orihime: (shocked) Kurosaki-kun!

Ichigo: _[turns around briefly]_ You said something, Inoue?

Orihime: What? Can you not _see_ me? Hello! _I'm naked!_

Ichigo: _[stares at her for a second and then shrugs] _Yeah, but I don't see what the big deal is. _[Resumes his make-out session with Yoruichi]_

Orihime: WWWWHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTT? I don't believe this!

Uryu: (drooling) Oh, forget Kurosaki! All _I_ see is _you_, Inoue-san!

Orihime: _[looks Uryu up and down]_ Ew. Gross. _[Dresses in 5 seconds and then turns around to leave]_ Forget this. I'm leaving.

Uryu: (running after her) Wait for me, Inoue-san!

Rukia: _[walks up to the Ichigo and Yoruichi]_ Okay, that's enough. Stop it already! This fanfic is rated is rated T – I think this kinda crosses the line, you two! And really, I can't stand it anymore! (To Yoruichi) For crying out loud, put on some clothes already!

Yoruichi:_ [glares at Rukia] _I'm like 3x your age. I'd shut it if I were you.

Rukia: Why you—! Look, it's not like I care or anything, but this is just wrong! Ichigo's like, 15! He doesn't know anything – stop taking advantage of him!

Ichigo: Hey! Was that an insult?

Renji: (suddenly snapping out of his erotic fantasies) Oh, wait. I just realized something… (To Yoruichi) Last time I checked, weren't you seeing Urahara?

Yoruichi: (shocked) _Who told you that?_

Ichigo: SAY WHAT?

Rukia: I knew something was up!

Chad: Yeah…

Renji: Well, to answer your question, nobody really had to _tell_ me. I kinda heard it all one loud night. Did you forget that I stay at the Urahara Sh ōten too?

Ichigo: (horrified) I don't believe this! You b*tch! You dirty, cheating _b*tch_! _[Distances himself from Yoruichi]_

Yoruichi: Uh…you didn't hear nothing! (To Ichigo) And, c'mon! You don't actually believe him, do you? Kisuke and I were just watching some rated R movies that night! That's all!

Rukia: In the same room! In the same _bed_! _While doing other things!_

Yoruichi: No!

Rukia: Oh, yeah? How about I give Urahara a call and see just how "innocent" your relationship really is? Once he finds out your little shenanigans with Ichigo, I'm sure he'll just write it off as nothing, right?_ [Whips out her Soul Pager and dials Urahara's number]_

Yoruichi: (horrified) Give me that!

Chad: Wow, this better than the movies…

Rukia: (on the phone) Why hello, Urahara…Yes, I think you should know something of grave importance. You see—

Yoruichi: _[snatches the phone from Rukia]_ Kisuke! Nice to hear from you! …Oh, nothing's wrong! I'll be seeing you in a little bit. No worries…

Ichigo: So it is true! I can't believe this! You _have_ been cheating on me! _With that old man! _

Yoruichi: (covering the receiver) Excuse me, but that "old man" is the same age as me.

Rukia: _[cringes]_ Ugh, think about it, Ichigo. You were making out with a woman older than my Nii-sama.

Renji: Tch. He would.

Ichigo: But—all I see is youth! Youth and skin!

Chad: You mean skin.

Ichigo: "…"

Urahara: (on the other end of the line) …Yoruichi, was that Ichigo I heard just now? Saying that you were cheating…on_ him?_

Yoruichi: (in an overly-sweet sugarcoated voice) Oh, Kisuke. We're just playing a game. You know how Ichigo is when he loses, accusing me of cheating… _[laughs]_

Urahara: Right…a game…

_[Urahara suddenly hangs up the phone]_

Yoruichi: Uh…

Rukia: _[takes back her Soul Pager]_ You know, I really don't get it. You could've just hung up on him…

Yoruichi: F.M.L.

_[Suddenly, a melodramatic "Scream Benihime" rips through the air, barely missing Ichigo] _

Ichigo: (reeling from shock) Ahh….

Yoruichi: Oh _[beep]._ I'm so screwed.

_[The smoke clears, revealing Urahara in all his fine glory]_

Urahara: Well, well, if it isn't Ichigo and the ever-faithful Yoruichi. Why aren't you dressed, hmm? What sort of games were you playing with our friend Ichigo here?

Ichigo: _[suddenly goes Shinigami and whips out his giant butcher knife…er, Zanpaktou]_ What games? We were making out just a moment ago, but apparently, she was doing things with you behind my back! Damn! I feel so played!

Rukia: (under breath) Welcome to my life.

Urahara: (furiously) You think _you_ were played? I've known her for hundreds of years before you even stepped into the picture! _[Glares at Yoruichi] _I suppose it was not just training that happened when you two were in the Soul Society, you old dirty cougar.

Yoruichi: _Cougar? _What's this about my being a cougar? You, Kisuke, flirt with all the pretty little girls that come to your shop, isn't that right, Rukia? _[Turns to face said person] _

Renji: _[gasps]_ _What did he do to you?_

Rukia: _[sighs in annoyance] _Nothing. Look, I have no part in this…

Urahara: Well at least I don't _make out_ with my customers. Or whatever _else_ you did with him…

Yoruichi: You don't get it! Ichigo provides me with the youth and vigor you lack, Kisuke! You're so stiff sometimes, like an old bag. I need youth! _[Aside]_ _And Ichigo's so much easier to control…_

Urahara: (horrified) That is not true! I have plenty of youth and vigor! I don't even have gray hair yet!

Ichigo: (to Yoruichi) I don't get it! If you didn't like Urahara, why didn't you just break it off with him?

Yoruichi: _[sighs]_ There are just some things a 15-year-old virgin can't give me…

Renji and Chad: Ooh! Below the belt!

Ichigo: (blushing five shades of red) Hey, hold on a second! Was that really necessary?

_[Out of nowhere, a Senkaimon opens up nearby, revealing a very irate Soi Fon]_

Soi Fon: Yoruichi-sama…

Yoruichi: _[slaps a hand to her forehead] _My gosh! How many times do I have to get rid of you before you finally stop coming back?

Ichigo: What the _hell_ is going on here?

Urahara: Just how many people has she been cheating on me with?

Soi Fon: (visibly hurt) How could you, Yoruichi-sama? Now you've left me for _two_ men?

Yoruichi: Soi Fon, honestly. How the hell do you know all these things? You weren't even here!

Soi Fon: Well, usually I just watch you through a screen from a bug I borrowed from the 12th Division. But I stuck that on your clothes the last time we met up, and _[blushes]_ seeing as to how you're not wearing any…

Yoruichi: (jaw dropping to the floor in alarm) Oh, my g…now where did I put my clothes? _[Suddenly turns to Ichigo and strips him of his Shinigami robes, which she uses to dress herself with…all in 2 seconds]_

Ichigo: _What the f—? [Stares down at his exposed self and blushes to the nth degree] _

Rukia: (traumatized) …I think I've just been scarred for life. Where's therapy when you need it?

Renji: Trust me, it doesn't work.

Chad: Way to go commando, Ichigo.

Ichigo: Hey! It's not like these robes come with boxers!

Chad: Really?

Renji: (shifting uncomfortably) Um, yeah…

_[Ichigo quickly snatches Urahara's hat to cover his exposed parts]_

Urahara: Hey, that's my _favorite_ hat!

Soi Fon: _[clears her throat]_ …Anyway, as I was saying, I was walking past the 6th Division when I heard the whole conversation.

Renji: My squad? What? How's that possible?

Soi Fon: Don't you know? _[Turns to point at Rukia] _Her brother, Captain Kuchiki, has bugged her phone ever since she returned to this place.

Rukia: (gritting her teeth) That son of a… Renji, remind me to buy a new Soul Pager.

Soi Fon: But enough of that! _[To Yoruichi]_ Why do you have to keep leaving me and rejecting my feelings? And why'd you even ditch me to run off with this traitor only to wind up with this-this _ryoka_!

Yoruichi: (shaking her head in pity) Oh, Soi Fon…little Soi Fon… _it's not me, it's you!_

Soi Fon: (aghast) Are you _breaking up_ with me?

Yoruichi: Are you blind? There was no relationship to begin with! And you know what? It was your crazy obsession with me that made me leave the Soul Society in the first place! I began to suspect that I was not just getting an "admiration" vibe from you.

Soi Fon: But Yoruichi-sama!

Yoruichi: And that's another thing – you kept calling me "sama" no matter how many times I told you to stop!

Soi Fon: Well, fine! I'll stop!

Yoruichi: That won't change anything. You don't get it. It's too late for you.

Soi Fon: _[falls to her knees] _NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! It's never too late for us!

Ichigo: (cutting in) Yo, leave her alone! She already told you to stop it!

Urahara: Yes, leave her! All of you! She's mine! She's with child – my child!

Yoruichi: (horrified) I am? Since when?

Urahara: Since last night!

Ichigo and Soi Fon: What happened last night?

Urahara: Guess!

Ichigo: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Soi Fon: That's it! Only one of us can have her and the child! A fight to the finish! _Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!_

_[Everyone unleashes their shikais as a bloody and nude brawl – at least on Ichigo's part – ensues]_

Yoruichi: _[sighs]_ Well, this is just stupid. And you know, none of these guys is really worth my time. (Turning to Rukia, Renji, and Chad) Hey, wanna get some Starbucks? I'm really craving some milk…I wonder if they have any.

Renji: Um, sure.

Chad: Yeah…

Rukia: I don't know if I'll be able to drink or even eat anything for a whole year after this, but alright.

_[The four of them leave the scene]_

Yoruichi: …By the way, I don't really look pregnant, do I?

* * *

**A/N: **Dang, that was fun to write! And it actually had somewhat of a plot, too! Well, as always, please R&R!

Oh, and if you like "Say What," then I'd definitely recommend my latest fanfic: "Debate: Naruto vs. Bleach Style," an ongoing humor/parody crossover featuring debates like, "Most Overrated Character," "Most Neglected," and "Greatest WTF Moment." The fast-paced script-style is largely reminiscent of this fanfic. Check it out on my profile page!


	8. Ulquihime

**A/N: **Ah, I've neglected for weeks now…can't seem to write much nowadays. I need inspiration! As much as I adore this pairing, it was really hard to get started with them. Hope this chapter is up to everyone's standards! It's different, and by different, I mean more different than my other past "differents." There's also a special guest appearance in this chapter that pertains to Ulquiorra. Try to guess who it is before said person shows up! Thanks to **101FallingRock** for the idea!

* * *

Chapter Eight: Ulquihime

_Sometimes the heart is just beyond our control._

_At Orihime's apartment: Orihime is mixing together who-knows-what at the kitchen stove while Ulquiorra is leaning against a nearby wall with his hands in his pockets_

Ulquiorra: Just when are you planning to tell them, woman? The next life?

Orihime: (Stirring the contents of a metal pot) Ah, it's still early. I've got time. It's not like they have to know now.

Ulquiorra: Well, I don't see why I have to stay hidden in your cramped little quarters doing nothing all day while you go out and see all your…_friends_. If that is the reason you brought me back, you might as well have left me dead.

Orihime: _[frowns] _But it's not like that, Ulquiorra. You know that…

Ulquiorra: Then what was it? Because our time was cut short? Because you wanted to reach out for my hand one last time? _[Shakes his head] _You wasted your time. It's all so meaningless. I am still the same unfeeling Hollow that I was before.

Orihime: Um, no, it's not because of that that I did it… It's because I-I felt sorry for you. So incredibly _sorry_!

Ulquiorra: For what?

Orihime: For everything! The way you served under Aizen so faithfully, even though he didn't give a monkey's ass for you—

Ulquiorra: _[gasps] _You do NOT insult _Aizen-sama_!

Orihime: …The way Kurosaki-kun just maimed you to pieces, ripping you limb from limb—

Ulquiorra: That was only my arm! _One freaking arm_!

Orihime: Oh, I'm sure he blasted off more than that, though. And the way you looked at me before you died with those sad, lost, and lonely puppy dog eyes with those tears streaming down your face! I couldn't help myself! _[Starts sobbing] _It was just-just _so sad_!

Ulquiorra: What tears? For the last time, woman, these are _not_ TEAR STAINS on my face! _They're ceremonial Hollow markings_!

Orihime: (sympathetically) It's okay, Ulquiorra; men cry too.

Ulquiorra: I do _not_ cry! _[Glances past Orihime]_ And I'd keep an eye on that pot, if I were you.

Orihime: Huh?

_[Boom! The kitchen explodes. Ulquiorra uses _sonido_ to evade the explosion with Orihime in tow]_

Ulquiorra: I told you…

Orihime: Ah, that was a close one! If it had been one second later, I would have been covered in all that food! Thanks, Ulquiorra!

Ulquiorra: _[sighs]_ I'm going out for a walk…

Orihime: Wait! There are people out there!

Ulquiorra: Then I will kill them.

Orihime: No! Stop it! Ulquiorra!

Ulquiorra: Too late.

_[He opens the door and comes face-to-face with…Uryu Ishida!]_

Uryu: ZOMG! SH*T! _[Jumps back and puts on some pseudo karate poses]_

Ulquiorra: FREAKING TEACAKES! _[Unsheathes __Murciélago]_

Ulquiorra: _[clears throat and glares at said Quincy]_ You…what are _you_ doing here?

Uryu: I could ask _you_ the same question. How the _hell_ are you still alive?

Orihime: (from inside) Is that you, Ishida-kun? Are you spying on me again?

Uryu: NO!

Orihime: _[walks up from behind Ulquiorra]_ (curiously) Then what are you doing here? It's pretty late.

Uryu: _[gasps and looks at Orihime in alarm] _Are you CRYING, Inoue-san?

Orihime: (noticing the damp tears still streaming down her face and wiping them away) Uh…I was. But it was nothing, really.

Uryu: And do I smell something…burning? _[Shoves Ulquiorra aside and sees the smoke-charred kitchen]_ _WHAT ABUSE HAS JUST TRANSPIRED?_

Ulquiorra: (forming a cero with his finger) He's starting to get on my nerves…

Orihime: No, stop that! People can sense that, you know!

_[As if on cue, Ichigo and Shinigami suddenly appear not even one second later]_

Ichigo: Just what the hell is going on here?

Rukia: We sensed a huge increase in reiatsu all of a sudden. An _Espada_-level reiatsu.

Hitsugaya: And that would be impossible. Seeing as to how Aizen finished off the last of them in FKT.

Ichigo: Really? But you know, last time I checked, I think Byakuya and Kenpachi were still fighting Yammy or something in Hueco Mundo.

Matsumoto: Still?

Rukia: Yeah…

Ichigo: Maybe Kubo-sama forgot about them.

Chad: And me.

Renji: Shut up, people! Who the hell cares? The better question is, why is this guy _[points to Ulquiorra with Zabimaru]_ still alive, not to mention standing in Inoue's doorway? I thought Ichigo finished him off!

Ichigo: OH, FREAKIN' [BEEP]! Where'd _you_ come from?

Ulquiorra: …Did you really just notice?

Ichigo: But…! _What_? _[Points an accusing finger at Inoue]_ Oh, I get it now! The Old Man was right! You really were a traitor! Some kidnapping! I bet you actually went to Hueco Mundo on your own – just to see this guy!

Orihime: (visibly hurt) What? Kurosaki-kun! You know that isn't true!

Matsumoto: Well, now I see why you kicked my captain and I out of your place…way to get it on with an Esapda _[winks]_.

Uryu: (horrified) Don't be vulgar! That's absurd!

Renji: Say…how are humans and Arrancar supposed to have kids, anyway?

Matsumoto: Good question. But if they're like any normal human or Shinigami couple, then you'd just get a little worked up, get in bed, and—

Hitsugaya: _Hello_! Innocent 12(0)-year-old mind here! The one time I actually care about my age! Can you at least respect that?

Matsumoto: Oh really, Captain? I'm sure you lost that innocence a long time ago when you and Hinamori took baths together!

Hitsugaya: (flushing pink) What? That never…! MATSUMOTO!

Rukia: …Wouldn't they just adopt?

Uryu: _[snorts]_ Adopt what? _A demon?_

Ulquiorra: ….You know, that walk sounds very appealing right now. Bye. _[Steps past everyone and proceeds to walk down the block]_

Ichigo: Hold it! Where do you think you're going? 'Think you can just walk away like that? I don't think so!

Ulquiorra: _[halts]_ What? You really want to fight me again? I guarantee you won't be so fortunate this time.

Ichigo: Oh, you'll be surprised how far I've come. _[Grins]_ You see, I've spent almost 10 chapters in this DBZ cop-out of a Hyperbolic Time Chamber training with some fused version of my bankai and Hollow forms while my friends were running around like headless chickens in Karakura Town being chased by the one of the most overpowered shōnen villains of all time. With them as bait, I've mastered my Hollow now and can definitely take you on.

Rukia: Wow…what a jerk.

Renji: Why are we friends with him again?

Chad: …I ask myself that every day.

Ulquiorra: Whatever, cheapskate. Just try it. Let's see you pull power out of your ass again. _[Goes second stage __Resurrección while Ichigo goes Super Hollow 2.0 again]_

Rukia: What happened to his hair? What's he trying to be now? Soul Society's Next Top Model or just a male version of Inoue?

Renji: What's with the new outfit? Show-off.

Chad: Ichigo's just…beast…

Matsumoto: Wow, he looks so pimp. I'd sure like to tap _that_.

Hitsugaya: How can anyone find that attractive?

Matsumoto: You're a _kid_, Captain. Not to mention a _boy_. You wouldn't know.

Hitsugaya: Why you…!

Orihime: (tearing up) No, please…stop. Don't fight…not again!

Uryu: _[shielding Orihime]_ You insensitive jerks! And you call yourselves men! Have you no regard for a woman's feelings?

Ulquiorra: (to Ichigo) This time I _will_ finish you off.

Ichigo: _[grins] _Let's see you try.

_Meanwhile, in Las Noches…_

Gin: Ah, Captain Aizen. Seems like there's something very interesting playing out in the World of the Living. And here, we'd all taken him for dead.

Aizen: What an interesting turn of events.

Gin: Shall we investigate, Captain?

Aizen: _[grins] _We shall.

_Back in the Living World…Ichigo and Ulquiorra are engaged in an all-out brawl._

Orihime: Please! STOP FIGHTING!

_[Out of nowhere, a hooded figure descends from the heavens, wings spread out in true bat-like fashion. He lands before Orihime]_

Batman: Someone asked for my help?

Orihime: _[gasps]_ Batman? No way! You came all the way from America – _from Gotham City _– just to help me? Without my even needing to shine the light in the sky – without _The Bat Signal_?

Renji: What'd she just say?

Rukia: No idea. I lost track after "America."

Uryu: What the _hell_ have you done to Inoue-san, demon?

Batman: Demon? Heh, I'm no demon. But I guess you can say I'm a kind of "dark knight" – Batman, the Dark Knight of Gotham City.

Matsumoto: Okaaayy…

Hitsugaya: _[rolls eyes]_ Lame.

Orihime: Don't insult Batman! He's, like, the best superhero ever! I love him to pieces! _[*See chapter 6: Ishihime]_

Uryu: You don't mean that! C'mon, the guy wears a _speedo_, for crying out loud!

Rukia: (to Batman) Well hey, if you're from some "Gotham City," what are you doing here in Karakura? This isn't America, genius. And what's with the outfit? We don't celebrate Halloween around here.

Batman: Hey, don't you know who I am?

Matsumoto: A guy with a very deep voice?

Rukia: Yeah, you're "Batman." So what?

Ichigo: (to Ulquiorra) Hey look, everyone's talking about you. And there's some weird guy over there hitting on Inoue. Are you gonna do something? I thought you guys are together now.

Ulquiorra: You seriously think I will fall for that trick? Don't play games with me; I know what you're up to. _[Pauses]_ And what do you mean we're "together"? I have nothing to do with that woman!

Ichigo: _[smirks] _Yeah, sure. That's not what your expression's telling me!

Ulquiorra: Grrr! _[Points toward Orihime's apartment]_ Hey, look over there! Rukia Kuchiki and the red-headed Shinigami—

Ichigo: (alarmed) What? _Rukia_? That Renji! If he lays one hand on her, I'll—

Ulquiorra: Hehe. PSYCH! _[Knocks Ichigo out cold] _Seems like that trick only works on you. _[Glances back at the entryway to Orihime's apartment]_ Now let's find out about this unsolicited newcomer…

Batman: _[looks over at an approaching Ulquiorra]_ So, that's your so-called "Batman," huh? What a freak show. He doesn't even look like me. Huh, and here Superman was telling me there was some other Batman wannabe around here. That's why I came here, actually. Seems like the fans just love to imitate me. But you foreign fans are something else. An emo version of me…at least it's original.

Ulquiorra: (to Batman) You have something you want to say to me?

Batman: I do, actually, "Batman." First of all, you're a _fake_. You don't have the deep voice, the custom-made suit… You're just skin and bones with no muscle, no substance, while I, the real Batman, had to go through years and years of extensive martial arts training. So you better put those plastic wings back in the closet. There's only room for one Batman, bub.

Ulquiorra: I agree…

_[Ulquiorra holds his finger up to Batman's face and fires a _cero oscuras_ point blank] _

Matsumoto: Damn…

Renji: That's just brutal.

Rukia: And that's why you don't see those kinds of outdated superheroes cropping up anymore.

Orihime: Ah… _[Turns to face Ulquiorra, who stares at her for a moment before sheathing his Zanpaktou and reverting to his original form]_

_[Ulquiorra starts to walk down the block again. Orihime starts after him, but is held back by Uryu]_

Uryu: What's wrong with you, Inoue-san? Why do you go after him? He just killed your "favorite superhero!"

Orihime: I know! But it turns out Batman was just a jerk anyway and I just…I…!

Matsumoto: Aw! I think she's in love!

_[Uryu's eyes bulge in shock]_

Uryu: The hell! He's an Espada – a _Hollow_, for crying out loud!

Matsumoto: So what? If a human and Shinigami can fall in love, why not a Hollow? Right?

Renji: _[glances at Rukia pointedly and snorts]_ Right…

Rukia: (clueless) Human and Shinigami? When has that happened before?

Everyone except Rukia: Seriously?

Rukia: (clueless) What?

Hitsugaya: _[rolls eyes]_ It's so obvious, even _I_ know.

Renji: Ugh. Why're we even talking about this mushy crap, anyway? If this Espada's not causing any problems, I'm going home…or should I say _Urahara's_?

Chad: I think I'm going, too.

Voice from behind: Going where?

_[Everyone turns around to see Aizen and Gin before a garganta portal]_

Uryu: First Batman and now Aizen and Ichimaru? What the hell is going on here? It must be that Espada's fault!

Hitsugaya: (twitching convulsively) A…Ai…zen…!

Matsumoto: Captain? Captain, calm down—

Hitsugaya: _[suddenly unsheathes Hyōrinmaru and charges] AAAAAIIIIIZZEEEENNNNNNN_!

_[…Only to be swatted away by the power of Aizen's Amazing B*tchslap]_

Aizen: (completely unfazed) Speaking of this Espada…

Ulquiorra: _[suddenly emerges from the shadows]_ Yes, Aizen-sama?

Orihime: _[gasps] _Ulquiorra!

Ulquiorra: Quiet, woman.

Aizen: Ah, it seems I was correct; something _has_ happened between you and that human girl.

Ulquiorra: I don't know what you're talking about.

Aizen: Then why are you still alive? All you Espada are supposed to be dead.

Gin: (whispering) Except Yammy.

Aizen: _[clears throat]_ Yes, except Yammy, it appears. Maybe Grimmjow, I guess, but that's a different story… Anyway, the only way you could be alive is if that girl brought you back to life, and I can only think of one reason as to why she would even consider doing such a thing. To bring an _enemy_ back from the dead.

Renji: When did this fanfic become some sort of drama?

Rukia: What'd you expect from Ulquihime?

Renji: True…

Aizen: (to Ulquiorra) …Or did you actually have a change of heart?

Ulquiorra: Impossible.

Aizen: Really? I thought I heard otherwise… (Turns to Gin) Gin, would you like to play the segment for us?

Gin: Of course.

_[Gin randomly pulls out a projector and hits the play button. A familiar scene on top of a certain dome plays out. The screen shows a fading Ulquiorra in his __Resurrección: Segunda Etapa form, followed by a close-up of a reflection of Orihime in his eye__]_

_On-screen Ulquiorra: _Right as I was finally growing interested in you people. Her heart was right…in my hands. _[Bleach episode 272]_

Aizen: _[scowls darkly]_ Well, what do you have to say about that, my oh-so loyal subordinate?

Rukia and Renji: Uh…

Chad: That's…deep…

Matsumoto: Aw, how sweet! _[Raises a fist]_ Now if only _you_ could say things like that to me, Gin! You jerk!

Gin: _[sweatdrops]_ Rangiku…

Orihime: (stunned) Did he…really say that?

Uryu: Don't believe it, Inoue-san! It's all lies! They rigged the recording!

Aizen: Oh, I wish it was rigged! But no, this was straight from Studio Pierrot! I couldn't believe it either! I made Gin hit the replay button…_how_ many times was it, Gin?

Gin: I lost count…

Aizen: …9,999 times! I even had professional Japanese translators from all the different regional dialects and 50 different brands of hearing aids to make sure I heard you right!

Ulquiorra: Aizen-sama, I must clarify. The anime staff tends to change the dialogue up. What I really said in the manga was: "this thing in my hand is _the_ heart." _[Bleach chapter 354 ]_

Aizen: Same thing!

Gin: I can't help but wonder, though, Captain Aizen…why does it even matter? Sure, this one may have been the most loyal to you, arguably, but like the others, he would have fallen, perhaps even by your hand.

Aizen: You don't get it, Gin. This means that-that…!

Gin: That what, Captain?

Aizen: _That my precious Houkyoku has not yet reached perfection! _The Hollowfication process is supposed to create superior Arrancar, warriors devoid of all human feeling and emotion! But no, it appears it _does_ leave emotions in tact!

Everyone else: (shocked) THAT'S IT?

Gin: If that was your concern, Captain Aizen, then in case you didn't notice, Grimmjow was a bundle of emotions himself. Hate, jealousy, and blood-lust.

Aizen: And that's why I hated Grimmjow. But Ulquiorra, he was just…different!

Gin: How so?

Aizen: Look at him! _[Points at said Espada]_ He is just completely cold, stoic, and emotionless! I thought I was onto something! A breakthrough!

Gin: Hmm, you've got a point.

Aizen: The only thing that bothered me was that he always looked sad with those tear stains, but no, apparently, it's far worse than that! And now that I see he's just another failure, he must die. Good-bye, No. 4. _[Unsheathes his Kyōka Suigetsu and moves in to attack an idle Ulquiorra]_

Orihime: Ulquiorra! Nnnnooooooo!

_[Suddenly, metal scrapes against metal as Ulquiorra's Zanpaktou comes into view. He raises his head to meet Aizen's eyes, revealing his second stage __Resurrección]_

Aizen: So this is your second Resurrección form…? The one only you can achieve, and…the one you never revealed to me. So you're actually going to fight me now?

Ulquiorra: (darkly) These. Are. Not. TTTEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR SSSSTTTTTAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS! _[Goes full rampage SS4 on Aizen]_

Gin: Ah, seems like you've struck a nerve, wouldn't you say, Captain Aizen?

Aizen: W-What is this? I did not give you this kind of power! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Renji: _[returns to the apartment's entryway with a fresh bowl of popcorn and takes a seat next to Rukia] _Did I miss anything?

Rukia: Aizen getting his ass handed to him. But don't worry; it's only the beginning.

Chad: Yo, pass the popcorn.

Matsumoto: …Why's Gin just standing there?

Uryu: (horrified) How can you guys be eating popcorn like this is some kind of movie?

Renji: Correction. This is better than a movie. It's fanfiction.

Orihime: Ulquiorra! I have to help him! _[Rushes out toward the battle scene]_

Uryu: Wait! Inoue-san! It's dangerous! He's fine! He can handle Aizen himself!

Renji: You know at this rate, it seems like Ichigo might not even have to fight Aizen.

Rukia: Who would have thought?

Orihime: _[holds her hands out in front of her]_ _Koten Zanshun__, I reject!_ _I reject! I reject! I reject! I reject! I reject!_

Gin: …Why does it sound like little mines are going off?

_[Gin glances up, only to have a flying Tsubaki barely miss his head, thus rejecting the top of his pale lavender hair]_

Gin: Ah…Captain Aizen…?

_[Gin turns towards Aizen, who is – forget Ulquiorra – frantically running for his life as little mines seem to go off almost spontaneously, rejecting everything from parts of tree branches to patches of grass to corners of white hakama]_

Aizen: Gin! Help me! Open up a garganta or something! Hurry! And grab the Kurosaki kid! _[Dodges past a flying "mine" but gets his finger nicked…er, rejected]_ !

Gin: Um, okay…

_[Gin quickly bends down to pick up Ichigo, forms a garganta, and then grabs a hold of Aizen]_

Aizen: Hurry! HURRY!

Rukia: Hey, isn't that Ichigo slung over Ichimaru's shoulder? Where'd he come from?

Renji: I think he was there the whole time, unconscious from his fight with Ulquiorra!

Chad: Ichigo!

Rukia: Inoue! _[Unsheathes Sode no Shirayuki and unleashes an ice pillar toward the unsuspecting pair] __Tsugi no mai, Hakuren!_

Orihime: _[Nods]_ Got it! _Koten Zanshun__, I reject!_

Aizen and Gin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! _[The two villains step through the garganta with Ichigo in tow…just in the nick of time]_

Rukia: Dammit! They got Ichigo!

Renji: We'll get him back…eventually.

Matsumoto: At least no one took my Captain, but um, Inoue? You might want to take a look at him… _[Points at Hitsugaya's still-unconscious body, now punctured with gaping holes of rejected matter]_

Orihime: (nervous laughter) Oh, I can fix that!

Rukia: That was some impressive fighting, though, Inoue. You've really mastered your powers.

Matsumoto: No kidding! I mean, rejecting actual matter like that? You had _Aizen_ running for his life!

Orihime: Ah, thanks!

_[Ulquiorra walks past the group, meeting Orihime's eyes briefly before proceeding back into the apartment complex]_

Ulquiorra: And I didn't need the help…woman…

Matsumoto: So exactly how long have you guys been going out?

Orihime: Going out? But we're not going out. Who said we were?

Uryu: (ecstatic) You're not? Really? Then there's still hope for me!

Renji: Get a life.

Rukia: But if you guys aren't going out, then what's he doing living in your house?

Renji: (under breath) Like you're one to ask.

Orihime: Well, he needed somewhere to stay. After all that's happened, I couldn't just let him return to Hueco Mundo like that. Things had…well, changed between us.

Matsumoto: Ooh!~ Just wait! It gets even better!

Uryu: (in a daze) Inoue-san, tell me again why you had to resurrect him. I still don't get it. Just please, someone tell me why…

Orihime: _[smiles]_ I guess…I just saw more in him than he let on.

_Meanwhile, somewhere in Hueco Mundo…_

Aizen: What the [beep] happened back there? I don't remember that human girl ever being that powerful when she was our prisoner!

Gin: Maybe she was just hiding it?

Aizen: Argh! She couldn't have! I always see these things coming! I AM the universe, after all.

Gin: Yes, you are, Captain. But…could I borrow your Houkyoku? Just for a moment. _[Points to his butt, which is now frozen solid from Rukia's attack]_ It's really uncomfortable sitting like this and it'll take a while to melt.

Aizen: Oh, don't be such a baby, Gin. Just stand with your back against a flame or something. At least you didn't have _your_ butt _rejected_! _[Stands up and turns around to reveal a giant hole where his butt was supposed to be]_

Gin: Dang! That ain't just your butt! I'm amazed you're still alive!

Aizen: What? You want me dead or something?

Gin: …No, of course not…

Aizen: _[reaching for the solid marble embedded in his chest]_ This Houkyoku must be having a glitch or something. I should have regenerated by now…well, at least we have the boy…

Gin: Why'd you want him anyway, Captain?

Aizen: You should know, Gin. I've been keeping a close eye on him since he was a baby. And now he's finally returned…to me.

Gin: The way you say that, Captain, makes me think you're supposed to be the boy's father or something. Now wouldn't that be interesting?

Aizen: Yes, Gin. It would…

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, an open ending and a completely different chapter. It started out like a typical "Say What" chapter, but then…actually became somewhat of a story, except for some parts toward the end. Haha. Well, I didn't plan this at all! 'Hard keeping with the script format when you want a few more description in some places, a problem I didn't really have until this chapter. I don't think it's my best, but for once, a chapter actually had more implied romance, which I thought was realistic for Ulquihime, considering their relationship.

And yes, I know the whole scene with Aizen and Orihime at the end was completely unrealistic. Aizen owns all, right? Well, we'll see how the next chapter plays out with Gin's little twist, if you know what I mean. And I apologize to Batman fans if I offended anyone, but Ulquiorra's a much better (Emo) Batman, yeah? I think so!

Please R&R! I really did something different with this chapter and want to know if it works or not for this fanfic. I'll revert back to my old style since this is a random crack fic, but just let me know what you think! And just FYI, this is not really a continuous story, so I won't be writing a "sequel" to this chapter. It was more meant to be just a stand-alone thing. Anyway, Ginran's next! Considering recent chapters, they really deserve it!


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